Written by Jeremy Paxman
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Thursday, 9 September 2010

image for Taliban to Burn Copies of Life of Brian in Response to Terry Jones "Burn a Koran Day" Threat
Bin Laden: "He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy."

And now for something completely different...

Terry Jones - former member of the Monty Python comedy team who has since swapped the Ministry of Silly Walks and the Ministry of Arguments for the Ministry of God - is now facing retaliatory action from the Taliban following his plans to hold a 'Burn A Koran Day' at the Dove Outreach Centre in Gainesville, Florida.

In response to Terry Jones threats to publically burn copies of the sacred Islamic text, The Koran, the Taliban have publically threatened to burn copies of The Life of Brian and have also indicated they may consider burning copies of The Meaning of Life and Monty Python & The Holy Grail too.

Osama Bin Laden today held an interview from a cave in Pakistan. Our reporter, Mr Creosote, asked him what moslems felt about the proposed burning of the Koran:

"I think that all good, right thinking moslem terrorists in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking moslem terrorists in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking moslem terrorists in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am" said Obama.

Our man Creosote asked him if he himself wanted to come across as petty by burning copies of the Monty Python backcatalogue and Bin Laden was clearly in a reflective move:

"I never wanted to be a terrorist. I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK!"

"But what about the wider Al Queda network around the world, would they be following the orders of their messiah Bin Laden and also burning copies of the Python's films?" asked Creosote:

"He's not the Messiah - he's a very naughty boy" said Obama's press agent as he quickly cut the interview short by beheading most of the journalists.

"So what do you intend to do Mr Bin Laden if Terry Jones does proceed with his plans to burn the Qur'an in Florida?" shouted Mr Creosote as he made quick his escape:

Bin Laden pointed to a large stack of Monty Python DVD's and responded by saying, "Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Know what I mean? A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh? Say no more..."

Creosote later caught up with Terry Jones at his base in Florida to get his side of the story. Flanked by his personal security team (who were all wearing red cloaks and brandishing cushions), he asked him how he planned to pull off the Qur'an burning amid a wave of protests from around the world:

"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again" said Jones rather theatrically.

"Who gave you the idea to hold the Koran burning day?" asked Creosote:

"Jesus did. I was hopping along, when suddenly he comes and cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next moment me livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. Look. I'm not saying that being a leper was a bowl of cherries. But it was a living. I mean, you try waving muscular suntanned limbs in people's faces demanding compassion. It's a bloody disaster. So I'm burning the Koran now to make ends meet."

Creosote pushed Terry Jones further, "But does this not offend all the people of Islam? Does burning the Koran not offend their prophet Mohammed? Surely Jesus himself would be pining for you not to do this?"

"He's not pining, he's passed on. This capenter is no more. He has ceased to be. He's expired and gone to meet his maker. He's a stiff, bereft of life, he rests in peace. If you hadn't have nailed him to the cross he'd be pushing up the daisies. He's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-King of the Jews!"

And on that bombshell, Mr Creosote left the interview in search of just one tiny little wafer...

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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