Written by Chuck Terzella
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Topics: Death, Government

Tuesday, 3 May 2005

An Italian government investigation into the shooting death of agent Nicola Calipari and the wounding of freed hostage journalist Giuliana Sgrena has sharply disagreed with an American military report regarding the same incident. While the United States has determined that troops manning an impromptu checkpoint on Baghdad's notorious Airport Road did everything they were supposed to in order to avoid any inadvertent tragedies, the Italian investigation suggested that it would have been a good idea if the soldiers would have just turned on a fucking light before they began shooting.

The Italian investigation was only mildly hampered by the fact that American commanders shortly after the shooting ordered all the vehicles involved moved, did no forensic examination of the shooting scene, did not conduct a count of shots fired, wouldn't allow an Italian general to view the scene and seemed to rely solely on the testimony of the troops that did the shooting to determine their findings.
Unfortunately, the units duty log also seems to have disappeared shortly after the incident, possibly kidnapped by Iraqi insurgents.

George W. Bush, in an attempt to placate one of his staunchest allies in it's Operation Iraqi Liberation (O.I.L.) war, has given Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi permission to invade and conquer Ethiopia.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "We don't honestly know what all the fuss is about. Do you know how many people get blown away or blown up at our checkpoints on any given day? Do the Italians ever complain about them? Of course not and you know why? Creeping racism. We in the Administration have been shocked and saddened ever since we realized, as a direct result of this shooting I might add, that our Italian allies are nothing more than closet bigots. Not that we in the Administration aren't closet bigots ourselves, but we thought the Italians were better than that."

( Authors Note: It is impossible for me to understand the stress, uncertainty and fear of the young American troops manning a checkpoint on the airport road, which has been attacked nearly one hundred times in the last six months alone, or a little more than once every two days with everything from small arms fire to car bombs and rockets. Even if what these particular troops did was wrong I do not assign any blame to them. But their Commander in Chief really will have some explaining to do when he finally stands in front of God.)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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