NEW JURUSALEM (ABSNN) -- Jesus of Nazareth, AKA "The Christ," called a news conference in his tiny Arab hometown today, and like Pontius Pilate, the Roman Governor of Judea who gave The Son of God over to the Christ-Killing Jews, washed his hands in a symbolic gesture that once and for all time severed "any connection whatsoever with the band of religious fanatics known as "Christians."
"I really shouldn't say this, I mean it goes against everything I taught the boys back in the day, but I really hate those idiots who co-opted my designation, the Christ, and call themselves my followers,' the swarthy, scarred, and tired looking man told reporters.
"Those people would not recognize me if I came up to them and kicked them in the butt with my nail scared feet," he said as he shook his head.
In fact, as theSpoof.com reported in an earlier story, Christ was arrested in Lynchburg, Virginia a year ago on August 15th 2009. He was charged with inciting a riot, consorting with whores, hanging around with thieves on Good Friday, and predicting that the Liberty Baptist University Flames Football team would lose their opening game with the West Virginia Mountaineers (a felonious defamation in Lynchburg). In fact, since he is God, the Son, and knew everything, in advance, he was correct; Liberty got its Baptist bell rung!
"I taught love for one's enemies," Christ told the hushed audience. "They (Christians) kill in my name.
"I never had two sheckles to rub together. Joel Osteen preaches some 'Prosperity Gospel.
"I raised the dead, no charge. Oral Roberts blew his sacred breath on a television camera and healed millions, for a small, love offering.
"I fed thousands of folks with two loaves and five fishes. Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker built Heritage USA, overbooked condos, then had the nerve to charge people $12.00 for a cold hamburger.
"I preached chastity. Jimmy Swaggart took nekkid pictures of New Orleans hookers.
"I converted tax collectors. Benny Hinn cheated Seminole County (FL) tax assessors and had to leave town in the middle of the night.
"I am a Jew. Enough said?
Francois Cardinal Dubois, S.J., Religion and Philosophy Commentator for ABSNN, reported that His Holiness, Pope Bentdick XVI, immediately excommunicated Jesus and removed his relics from all Roman Catholic Churches, stating, "We don't need that little Jew-boy anymore, anyway. We're richer than God, already."
Reaction is mixed throughout the Christian world today. Pat Robertson, founder and chief bigot for the Christian Broadcast Network, filed a lawsuit in the US Federal Court in Virginia Beach, Virginia claiming he owned the copyright to term "Christian," and asked the Court to issue a "Cease and Desist Order" prohibiting Jesus from ever again calling himself Jesus, Christ, Jesus Christ, the Messiah, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Son of God, or any combination of the same or similar names.
The man, formerly known as J***s, chose the new moniker of Dowaditty Diitydum Dittydoo. He plans to open an alternative healing and relationships counseling office just west of Freshwater, on the Isle of Wight.
"I've always wanted to visit there," he said; "I understand they have ferret legging festivals there. Just as soon as I can buy some loose fitting dungarees, I think I'll have a go at putting em down."
Editor's note: We wish him well!