Exiled Bolivian dictator and part time scribe for popular satirical website theSpoof.com, Colonel Juan, today revealed that he suffered a terrifying ordeal at the site of the Chernobyl nuclear reactor meltdown.
The Colonel, a much reviled figure in his homeland, yet strangely revered in Chiswick has been enjoying a visit to the Ukraine, in what used to be the Soviet Union, but is now the Ukraine, when a day trip to Chernobyl went horribly wrong.
As he explains:
"We were at the Chernobyl tea rooms; the good lady wife was enjoying a cup of camomile tea, and I was quaffing a glass of Merlot. I'd set up the laptop and was about to start posting a story about sexy super-spy Anna Chapman's ginger vagina, when an ant - the size of a horse - scuttled across the terrace and chopped a rather athletic looking German lady from Dresden clean in two with its mandibles. Of course, utter panic ensued."
The Colonel, struggling visibly to retain his composure, spoke emotionally about a swarm of giant ants, and of how they ruthlessly stalked tourists before mangling them up in their voracious mandibles.
"There was blood and gore everywhere, dear boy," he choked. "It was horrendous. Truly terrifying."
With only his quick wits, and the thought of sexy super-spy Anna Chapman's ginger pubic hair to spur him on, the exiled Bolivian Colonel promptly retreated to the tea room, along with his trusty laptop.
"I slammed the tea room door shut behind me," he related. "But not until I'd ensured the good lady was safe. I was elated to find that others had sought sanctuary there too. Aside from Lady Juan and I, there was a rather young looking Joan Collins lookalike, sexy super-spy Anna Fermanova, tennis star Boris Becker, Katie Price, and porn star Jenna Jameson."
The beleagured party spent seven hours hiding from the marauding giant ants with their voracious mandibles before rescue came, in the unlikely form of Russian Premier Vladimir Putin.
"He kicked one of the giant ants up the arse, and gave the others a stern ticking off," Katie Price told us via skype. "It seemed to do the trick, as the giant ants just buggered off into the woods."
Colonel Juan, somewhat shaken but not stirred, was recovering in a Lvov hotel room, from where he told our reporter:
"I should have bloody known. I feel a right twerp now. Radioactivity and giant ants have been a B-movie staple for over half a century. If only I'd had the presence of mind to put two and two together, this horrendous bloody ordeal could have been avoided."
Tomorrow, Colonel Juan intends to visit the notorious Auschwitz/Birkenau concentration camp museum, and is keeping his fingers crossed that he won't become demonically possessed by the evil spirit of some sadistic SS camp guard.
"You just never know," he said.
More as we get it.