Written by Kyle Emall
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Topics: Pope, Vatican

Monday, 2 May 2005

image for The Last Pope
Well guys, this is it, you'd better like him.

(ASP-Allied Spoof Press)- Today reports are spreading like wildfire as the announcement made by Vatican Mathematicians that their initial calculations were made in error back in 1150 A.D. These numbers indicated originally that St. Malachy's prediction (112 succeeding Popes until the end of the world) was off by a factor of 1. The error was factored one of two ways. Either the fact that St. Malachy usually included himself in every count of any populace, or the lack of the use of sophisticated devices to aid calculus of the time, such as an Abacus. In any case it has been announced today that Pope Benedict XVI is actually the final pope of St. Malachy"s prophecy. Curiously, this spread no panic amongst the church world wide, but however a slight sigh of relief that they finally found a subject more serious than pedophilia in the priesthood. Now they can concentrate their efforts on something that is within their knowledge of expertise, dealing with the end of the world. This matter has been taken to a special group of cardinals in the Vatican where they run A.S. theologies (Armageddon Simulation). Many interesting questions have been run in these simulations to ascertain their results. "What if the prediction is false?", was one of the outline questions in the A.S. the result came back with surprising results, 1) Michael Jackson would be absolved of all crimes, 2) St. Malachy would have his sainthood removed, and all relics of Malachy will be turned over to the Vatican, 3)Religious Fundamentalists would start crying in their beers. Other Factors were presented, such as the numerical context of 112. There were found many instances of the coming destruction of things after the occurrence of 112. The oldest recorded person lived to be 114, however it was found that she lied to Guinness and died shy of her 113 birthday. President Bush won by only 112 votes in Ohio, now the economy is slowly being destroyed. Even small tests resulted in the same results, a bag that normally held marbles was packed then counted only to find 112 marbles inside, adding one more destroyed the bag! This shocking revelation leads to the summary of one major conclusion. That Michael Jackson will never be absolved of any crimes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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