Written by Don Pitts
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Wednesday, 20 April 2005

image for Bush, bin Laden, Praise Benadik XVI
"This Benadik XVI is one cool dude!"

Radical world leaders of all persuasions expressed joy and hope at the erection of Pope Benadik XVI. "Radicalism is definitely in" shouted an ecstatic Osama bin Laden. "Just when we feared that patience, understanding and listening to others was gaining a foothold in this crazy world, righteousness has prevailed! I look forward to a no holds barred fight to the death with this Christian infidel swine."

President George W. Bush joined bin Laden in his praise. "Whew!" he poetically related. "We were sweatin' that one! Ya know, there are some really dangerous Christians out there these days. They compromise, consider the thoughts and feelings of others, some even give a rat's ass about poverty and the environment of the world we live in. We're all thankful that common sense played no part in this election, just as it didn't in mine. Praise be to Allah, or whatever his name is."

Ariel Sharon was quick to join the salutes. "Pope Benadik will add yet another interesting, uncompromising mix to our fun loving part of the world. Yes, we needed a step back in reform, someone who will return their sect back to their radical roots. Israel can't be expected to carry the aggressive load all the time, even with all that US money. Remember, he was trained in the Nazi Youth Movement! What more could we ask for? Bring on the Crusades!"

Naturally, Mohammad Omar was thrilled with the selection, saying that it vindicated his Taliban regime. "Its all good!" he reasoned. "Protestant Taliban, Jewish Taliban, Catholic Taliban, Moslem Taliban, its all Taliban ruling the US, UK, Australia, Israel, the Vatican, and that's got to be a good thing. When we reason, have compassion, care about others, and admit women are humans, we just lose a piece of humanity. So tonight I join my brethren Bush, Ariel (isn't that a girl's name?!), Osama and now Benadik in saying: God bless radicalism! Peace ain't got a chance!"

Radical religious leaders in the US added to the celebration. Jerry Falwell, Alan Keyes, Tom DeLay, and the recently arisen as Texan Pol Pot burned candles at both ends, one to celebrate, one to search the night for liberal infidels. It is rumored that 1300 federal judges submitted resignations, finally admitting defeat. "Fairness, common sense and rule of law are no match for these guys," one said. "I'm getting prepared for the new order. Thank Buda I never had to rule in favor of gun control!"

The United Knights of the Ku Klux Klan prepared to burn a cross in Benadik's honor. "It don't matter whut you believe" said the Imperial Dogshit, "its how dogmatically you believe it."

Naturally Catholics of the radical right were justifiably jubilant. "Wow!" exclaimed one. "I thought poverty, pissing on women, AIDS and responsible family planning were goners! Man! I'll still have pathetic people to despise! Praise God!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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