Written by Brits In America
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Topics: Pope, Media

Tuesday, 19 April 2005

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Pope Hardman XVII

White smoke rose majestically from the chimney of Ethel Jones' Cardiff cottage chimney today, prompting an onslaught of media enquiries to the 63 year old Welsh widow and mother of three.

Ethel of 67, Meadow Drive, Cardiff, Wales spoke on the condition of anonymity, when she stated she had selected a new Supreme Pontiff, as was her right. She showed this reporter documents supporting her claim. The documents now being touted as "Sid's Scrolls" named after Ethel's beloved late husband, were found in her coal bunker, when as a result of the 1980's coal strike her stock of coal was running at an all time low.

Ethel explained:

"There I was scrapping the last niblets of coal out of the bunker, and I noticed the scrolls under a very old book called Hitler's Diaries. I immediately realized the importance of the scrolls, discarded the diaries and contacted Father Reagan at St Mary's on the High Street, who translated them for me……I was over the moon."

Written in Welsh, it is clear that the scrolls indicate that the holder of the scrolls has direct permission from God to select a new pope.

Ethel's choice of Welsh Football International Vinny Jones has sent shock waves along the pews of Vatican City. City supporters had believed that one of their own would be re-instated to the position of Vicar of Christ after a twenty six year absence caused by the controversial selection of Polish goalkeeper Karol Józef Wojty³a.

In an exclusive telephone conversation with Mr. Jones from his Los Angles home, he revealed that he is set to choose the Papal handle of Pope Hardman XVII.

"I fucking know there haven't been 16 previous Pope Hardman's . Seventeen is my lucky number, a hole"

Meanwhile on the other side of the world Mario Fablos, chairman of the Vatican United Loyal Supporters Association stood alone outside the Sistine Chapel this morning chanting, "Your shite and you know you are", to an increasingly ugly looking crowd of Vatican City supporters.

Mr. Fablos continued:

"Truth is none of the other members of the Vatican United Loyal Supporters Association live near the Vatican, I am sure they are on the way to join me"

Pope John Paul II did not immediately return a call from this reporter.

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