Written by Impiltdownman
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Tuesday, 19 April 2005

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Al Jazeera --- The Vatican has reported that operatives associated with the (yet to be contained by the Bush Administration) Al Qaeda terrorist organization, have stolen the formula for the chemical used by the College of Cardinals to make the white smoke signifying the selection of a new pope. The Bush Administration has denounced this as a proliferation of WSWMD "White Smoke Weapons of Mass Destruction".

The United States Minister of War Donald Rumsfeld stated: "This represents a dangerous new threat from this organization we've yet to defeat. We are raising the security threat level to pink (in honor of Vice President Cheney's gay daughter) in every major U.S. metropolitan area in expectation of an eminent white smoke attack".

U.S. Minister of Propaganda Karl Rove went on to add: "Despite the views of many American citizens, political experts, intellectuals, historians and the views of most of the civilized world that the Bush Administration has been an abomination and resolute failure, it remains up to the flock of Bush followers to see that these policies will continue by supporting whomsoever the Republican Party shall nominate in the upcoming election". Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz gave a drooling toothy smile and thumbs up when Bush followers were referred to as a "Flock".

Al Jazeera went on to observe, "If the term 'selection' sounds familiar, one only need go back to the 2000 U.S. presidential election when George W. Bush was 'selected' in much the same manner by the college of the Supreme Court of the United States. However, in deference to the Vatican, hindsight shows that when such a selection process occurs in the U.S., it is black smoke that that is used to represent the subjugation of the U.S. Constitutional electoral process." It is not determined the exact significance of the black smoke but experts observe that it is most likely some (inside the administration joke) reference to the Bush Administration's lack of environmental policy.

CIA Director Porter J. Goss provided insight into possible white smoke attack scenarios:

• Watch for veiled women in public restrooms changing baby's diapers and shaking what would appear to be baby powder; it could be a white smoke attack.
• If you see a white vapor ejected from the vent at a McDonald's that does not smell like poor quality highly processed beef, flavor devoid potatoes, or non-descript chicken parts; it could be a white smoke attack.
• If you happen upon an area of the Deep South and find a black church set ablaze by Republican members of the NRA wearing dunce caps with the symbol "Kweer Klucks Koneheads; it is probably a white smoke attack.
• If you see a surfer being attacked off the coast of California; it is more than likely a white….. (adviser to Mr. Goss: "Mr. Director, that's a white shark attack sir")…..Whatever.

On other notes;
• The lobby for the American Tobacco Producers Organization released a disclaimer disavowing any association with anything as disgusting as a smoke attack.
• The hit Broadway play "Reefer Madness" will observe a minute of silence at the end of each performance in hopes that there will be no white smoke unless it takes the shape of a zig zag.
• When asked about the security threat of a white smoke attack, former President Bill Clinton stated: "Who cares if I inhaled"?
• Representative Tom DeLay was quoted: "Don't bother me; I'm having enough trouble blowing smoke up America's ass!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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