Tokyo and Beijing - After several weeks of diplomatic sparring, the governments of China and Japan have stunned the world by announcing that the two countries will merge into a single East Asian super state called Chipan. Chipan instantly becomes a force to be reckoned with and the Bush administration has put the new state on notice: no monkey business or there will be hell to pay.
Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi and Chinese President Hu Jintao seemed unmoved by the apparent world opinion opposing this unprecedented move. In a joint statement released to the media, the two leaders had this to say: "Global alliances and regional trading blocks are things of the past. The EU, the US, ASEAN, NAFTA - all will quake before the power of Chipan. Our combined political, economic and military force make Chipan the new overlords of the world. Pay us homage or pay the price!"
News of the merger caught citizens of both countries by surprise - particularly in China, where for weeks sometimes violent protests have occurred over a textbook recently approved by the Japanese government. The textbook, which purportedly ignores Japanese atrocities during World War II is no longer at issue.
When told of these concerns, both men seemed amused. "One never lives long in the past," said Hu. "These people need to learn what is critical and take it to heart. Failing to do so will carry serious - and unpleasant - consequences."
"Nanking, Chung King, Don King - these are all immaterial. All that matters now," said Koizumi, "is that the world recognize that Chipan is the most powerful force on the planet and behave accordingly. Since we are pleased with the present, we must be pleased with the past. Therefore, I order all citizens of the nation formerly known as China to return to their homes and prepare for Chipan Day - which will be celebrated on each 21 April for eternity."
In an equally unexpected move, the two men announced that they had just returned from Boston, Massachusetts, where they had secretly traveled to be married. (Massachusetts is the only state in the United States that permits homosexual couples to legally marry.) "Our marriage," explained Koizumi, "which we contend applies to all members of our existing families, creates a powerful new dynasty that will soon rule the world. Submit or perish."
These startling developments occurred as both men were preparing to attend the Asia-Africa summit in Jakarta, Indonesia later this week. "We will use this summit to further explain our joint plans for total world domination," said a beaming Hu. "The power Chipan wields is terrible and far reaching and to control that power is a tremendous privilege. We only hope that others recognize the limits of our patience."
Despite its strong initial reaction, the White House had little to say regarding the creation of Chipan. In a tersely worded statement, the Bush Administration reinforced its concerns with the news: "This makes us very uncomfortable," that statement read in part. "We, and our strong occidental allies, will evaluate the implications of the birth of Chipan and respond accordingly. As is always the case, each and every option will be available to the President for resolving this crisis."
The world, both East and West, will be watching and waiting to see what kind of master this new mega power will prove to be. All hail Chipan!