Written by Greg F. O'Fay
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Topics: Vatican, Japanese

Monday, 18 April 2005

image for Firefighters Called to Vatican
Pope Dope Scare

Firefighters raced towards the Vatican tonight. Black smoke was seen bellowing from the rooftop by a Japanese tourist and he promptly called the emergency services. On arrival, the Papal firefighters initially thought that the smoke was to signal that there was no decision on the election of a new Pope. Unfortunatey it was a false alarm and the panic was caused by Cardinal Patrick O'Donnely, who was burning some old tyres in the Vatican back yard. The Cardinal said, " It was a long drive from Ballykissangel, my tryes just wore out."
Unaware that the most powerful men in the Catholic Church were about to be drenched by firefighters, the Conclave continued to carry out their important task of getting to know eachother and of course elect a new Pope.
It is thought that a new free trade inititive is flourishing within the Vatican. European Cardinals are taking advantage of the time spent in the holy city. One observer said, "it is just like in the olden days, everyone converging on Rome, the only people that are missing are the Nazi war criminals."
Yesterday Papal sniffer dogs had to be brought in. Cardinal Pedro Carlos from Columbia was rumored to have been seen striking a deal with an unidentified genltleman in a red hat. An embarrassed Vatican drugs squad officer later explained that Cardinal Carlos was swapping some powdered milk, for some clear glass beads from a South African Cardinal. Apparently a search was not made of either men, the officer explained " if you cant trust a man of the church who can you trust "
The shares in Pizza Hut rose to an all time high as the Conclave ordered in every kind of pizza you could imagine. One hungry member said " it is hard to satisfy everyones dietary needs, Cardinal Idi Mugabe's request for a bushmeat and anchovi pizza was a hard one to meet, let us pray for Milan Zoo and their kind offer of an old Chimpanzee."
Over the next few days, the the Vatican noise abatement society will be monitoring the noise levels of the Cardinals, as 500 crates of Beer have been ordered in and it is thought that a karaoke machine was seen being wheeled in by Cardinal Yuko Kawasaki.
Critics of the Cardinals apparent party mentality were put firmly in their place by Cardinal Don Colioni. He is thought to have said, " anyone who has a problem sould come and pray with me. I am sure we can work some compromise out "

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