VATICAN CITY, ROME - As the highly anticipated white smoke emerged today from the Sistine Chapel stovepipe chimney announcing the election of the new Pope, a collective cheer was heard from Catholics around the world.
Spokesman for the Papal Conclave, Cardinal Phillipe Tutumosis, quickly informed the media of the name of the new pope: His Holiness Pope John Paul George Ringo I. The new pope has also announced that he will make his prime mission one of urging all Catholics to use the Vatican's revolutionary Papal Paypal Affiliate Tithing Plan.
New to the Papal elections this year was the option for Cardinals to cast their votes via the Papal Paypal for a small fee and all Church officials feel that this new Vatican affiliate program may well prove to be the largest revenue producing scheme in its history.
"During the Holy Crusades the Vatican was able to confiscate all sorts of wealth by simply declaring enemies of the Church to be in league with the Devil," said Cardinal Tutumosis, "But -sadly-those days are gone. Nowadays the Vatican would be accused of terrorism if we approached our fundraising in that manner. The Papal Paypal option will help ensure that the Catholic Church remains the wealthiest organization in the world."
Tutumosis added that the entire Papal Conclave opted to use the Papal Paypal affiliate when voting for the new pope, and he said the Catholic Church will be rolling out the program for parishioner use in the very near future.
Citing that many Catholics are beginning to attend NetMass via the Internet in lieu of attending services in person, the Vatican is confident that a Papal Paypal link on NetMass log-in screens will boost church revenue.
"We would rather have the sheep of our flock actually attend Mass because we can guilt them into bigger donations that way, "said Tutumosis, "but by including an intrusive Papal Paypal link over the countenance of the new pope, NetMass viewers will have to donate to have the Papal Paypal icon removed from the Pope's face. It's really a brilliant marketing tool for the Vatican."
Asked how NetMass viewers are able to accept and ingest the communion wafer during a NetMass, Tutumosis explained that boxes containing one dozen pre-blessed wafers were available online from the Vatican's Yahoo! Store for a mere $50 (not including shipping and handling charges of $9.95 per box).