Written by Bertram Chapley
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Topics: Pope, Death

Monday, 18 April 2005

image for Pope Selection - Games Up
Pope - Whats Your Game ?

VATICAN CITY, New York - The election of a new Pontiff has been thrown into disarray as no one can find the rules of Paper Stone Scissors, the method used to determine who is to head the Roman Catholic Church until the next death. As of now heated discussions are taking place at the highest level, in the loft.

Cardinal Fred Jones of Biggleswade St. Doris Church of Our Divine Scriptures says that it has been so long since they had elected a Pope that someone has cleaned out the Games cupboard and the written rules have just disappeared into thin air.

This may delay the announcement until next week as the Collective play a series of Connect Four in a Knockout format to determine who is to occupy the Popes plush and newly decorated penthouse apartment in Monaco and who gets handed the keys to the Popemobile 2.0 GLX

Several of the Cardinals are unhappy about this and said that they should have tossed coins to decide which game to play. There are a large number of clergymen who are dab hands at Poker and they say that this would be a much fairer game to adopt than Connect Four.

"The game relies too much on luck rather than judgement" said Cardinal Bert Postlethwaite, a known Card Sharp. "We need a man of skill and if we aren't careful we'll end up with a dud. Anything would be better than this - even Snap"

Evangelical and religion expert Professor Denzil Dexter says that in the event of Rule Loss there is no clear alternative action to take. This last happened in 1567 when Pope Roger II was elected after Knockout Kerplunk was played and he won 3-2 after sudden death. (The other contender was speared by Roger when it was clear he may win the decider).

Many of the leading contenders for the Papalship are muting to usher in new rules of selection to bring the Vatican and the Roman Catholic Church into the 21st Century.
These include text voting by mobile phone sending the words POPE followed by the name to 883696, dialling a 0910 number at £1.50 per minute or having thirteen weeks of Pope Idol on ITV.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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