In a shocking report just released today by the European Union Council of Ministers regarding the Human Rights and Health and Safety of Incarcerated Felons, Joran van der Sloot has been granted a humanitarian release by the Peruvian government when it was determined he has 'less than 3 months to live!"
According to a medical doctor hired by van der Sloot's remaining family, the serial lier and sociopath, has been infected with Malaria of the dreaded
Plasmodium facilparnum strain which of late has made a come back in the country, with a team of medical doctors determining Joran 'has less than 3 months to live!"
A government spokesman said that highly secretive talks have been on going with the Scottish government ever since Joran was diagnosed 7 days ago when he first noticed 'his little prick" and resulting swelling.
A source close to the negotiations said that former Prime Minister Gordon Brown flew secretly into the country 2 days ago, answering the question "where is Gordon Brown" since his resounding election defeat.
The Peruvian government has vehemently denied a quid pro quo where they would release van der Sloot in exchange for a complete Shetland Isles Wind Farm, with a Wave Machine thrown in as a sweetener to help the power starved
Van der Sloot a media darling accused of the killings of two (2) young girls, extortion, and being investigated for his role in a 'sex slave industry', was said to be "itching" to get out of Peru and over to Scotland where he said
"I hear they have a bunch of bonnie lassies!"
The agreement, still being hashed out, details EU demands that Joran be given a new identity, council housing, 'adequate' cash benefits, and health care "to make his last days peaceful."
While released on his own recognizance, he will be required to wear an ankle monitoring bracelet which will restrict is movements to 'anywhere in the UK, including the Isle of Wight, but not to France."
Several hundred fans have already started a Scottish Facebook site, and are planning to meet the plane when it arrives within a fortnight.