Written by Chuck the Canuck
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Topics: Pope, Catholic

Monday, 10 October 2005

Vatican City, Rome -- Precipitated by the recent passing of Pope John Paul II, the Catholic church is currently in the process of re-evaluating its role in the modern world. While the College of Cardinals are presently in seclusion choosing a new Pope, they will also be looking to network amongst themselves to gain support for individual initiatives they deem as necessary to successfully transition the Holy Catholic Church into the twenty-first century.

Father Albright Knot explains,"The Church finds itself at a crossroads. Attendance is dropping. Enrolment in the priesthood is at an all time low. It's getting harder and harder to find young women willing to cast off those divine Calvin's and pick up a nasty habit. Some priests are actually being forced to learn how to cook and clean for themselves".

Father Knot went on further to explain, "There are just so many new cults popping up everywhere you look. Religion has become a buyers market and in an attempt to gain market share, we are just going to have to start converting some of those new prospects into clients".

The Cardinals are expected to come up with some new competition eliminators. Under consideration is a move to allow fellow priests to marry each other. That initiative is hoped to stem the current tide of pedophilia, while at the same building upon some of the natural proclivities of men seeking to enter the priesthood.

Also under consideration is a move to add an additional three deadly sins to the current seven. Cardinal Knot explains, "While some of the original seven, such as 'Greed', 'Lust', 'Envy' and 'Pride' are still holding their own. Other like 'Gluttony' and 'Anger' are in a steep decline due to recent dietary revelations and the advent of tranquilizers and talk therapy".

Knot explains, " The results of the recent US elections spot lighted the fact that the current number is a few sins shy of a burnin' to secure the salvation of the American electorate. It is common knowledge that to secure your place in heaven, you must first acknowledge, repent and then ask forgiveness for your earthly sins before St. Peter will buzz you in. I think that most intelligent people would agree that both 'Ignorance' and 'Gullibility' should be considered more than just mere misdemeanours. That is why, in order to streamline the stairway to heaven experience, the Church is considering adding them to the top nine".

In order to keep pace with David Letterman's "Top Ten" list, there are several other sins vying for that all important last spot. It is rumoured that "Bad Teeth", "Flatulence", "Poor Fashion Sense" and "Listening to Abba", are considered to be the front runners in rounding out the final ten.

Father Knot cautioned, "It isn't just as easy as blowing smoke out a hole and seeing who salutes. We have to be very careful how we proceed from here. There is all that papal infallibility business to be considered. But, we learned our lesson during the Renaissance, when there was all that blather about whether or not the earth was flat, or whether the stars were actually painted upon the Holy Firmament."

Finishing on a positive note, Father Knot remarked, "We had the learned brothers of St. Sortofish dotting the 'I's and crossing the 'T's for us back then and I'm sure that they will continue to keep matters well in hand now and in the future."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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