BEIJING: Conscious of its vulgar public habits and coarse social behaviors China has hired a culture trainer to teach basic manners to its Miss Universe representative.
The secretly-crowned Miss China is being given a crash course in foreign culture which entails:
*not hawking up gobs of phlegm and spitting in public
*not wearing pajamas in public
*learning to eat with a knife and fork instead of noisily sucking stinky fish heads
*covering her mouth when she sneezes and saying 'Bress yu" to other sneezers
*reminding the MU panel of judges that she is "No aflaiding anyone - China lumber wan in who' wor'd"
A professional placard holder who did her 17,000 hours of time at the Beijing Olympics, Miss China has had her legs broken and reset with 16 inch steel rods to increase her height from 5 feet to 6'2". Her eyes have been surgically altered; skin lightened with arsenic; breasts and lips augmented in order to make her more Westan-rooking.
An appalling wax-works Party official told your reporter:
"Miss China wardlobe is design by verr' famous Cau-cay-shee-yun designa Yufu Shen-Lo [read: Yves St. Laurent] and Ru-Ee Vushon [read: Louis Vuitton].
Miss China musta vin Miss Unive'se clown. Velly necessally fo' China Pahty. We show wor'd China Lumbah wan in evelyting"
Pending the final day of the pageant Miss China's family has been rounded up by local police and taken to an undisclosed location where they will be "guests" of the Party officials. It is understood that these guest privileges will be immediately withdrawn if she loses and the entire family will then be re-located to China's Lumbah Wan Re-education center.