Written by Don Pitts
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Topics: Pope, Beer

Saturday, 16 April 2005

image for Cardinals To Pick Pope, Make Beer Commercial
The red robe, goddammit, we cardinals!

What do a bunch of guys do when they lock themselves in a room together for several days? "We ain't tellin'" laughs Cardinal Bakdoor, "but I can tell you that it just don't get no better than this! We're all buds, we share common interests, and boy do we have some stories to tell! We'll never get any sleep!"

Vatican workers were seen installing a new chimney on the roof of the Cardinal Frat House, but would not discuss the rumor that it was attached to a giant bong. The smoke coming from the chimney has long been the manner or telling parishioners a new Pope has been elected, but an undisclosed source recently advised The Spoof that the Cardinals are forced to smoke street grade herb until they elect a pope, then they go to a high grade hash that produces white smoke.

In an unprecedented move, a film crew will be allowed in the hallowed halls, reportedly to make a beer commercial. After all, a bunch of guys sitting around in red dresses, with nobody to fondle but each other, well, there's a lot of butt slappin' going on, and men seem to like that. The parties reportedly get so wild that they all agree not to discuss anything that happened behind those locked doors. What happens in the frat house, stays in the frat house. However, the beer brand making the commercial has agreed to supply unlimited free beer for all, and allow the new pope to edit the final production, meaning the line "it just don't get any gayer than this" might be in jeopardy, as is "I might dress like Mother, but you can call me Father." On the fence is: "Hey Father, who's your daddy!"

The logistics of this party are pretty amazing. While the beer is covered, snacks, smokes, herb, poker chips, condoms and Viagra must be trucked in and locked up to restrict papal pilfering. "That's why Cardinals over 80 years old are excluded," quipped Cardinal Bakdoor. "They use up all the Viagra. But don't think we're not sacrificing" he continued. "There won't be an alter boy in the whole damn place. That's why we finally give up and pick a new sucker."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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