The future of the Vatican finances and the leadership of the Catholic Church has been ensured by the unanimous nomination of the future envoy - Pope John MacDonalds Condom XVI. Roberto Calvi, a highly secretive ghost Spoof reporter has been following the election proceedings from inside Rome's Sistine chapel during the Cardinals Conclave.
Special security measures and huge numbers of extra technicians had been drafted to ensure the traditional secrecy of the first papal conclave is guaranteed. Indeed, the Conclave itself is locked from the inside during the election discussions. Roberto Calvi, last seen hanging by a rope around his neck under London Bridge in 1981 has been recruited by The Spoof and naturally as ‘Gods' Banker' has all the inside knowledge required to understand the inside line as well as follow the highly complicated financial discussions between the Cardinals including the main income stream from the franchised use of ‘Rent-a-Choir-Boy'.
The Vatican finances are in a pitiful state. The legal claims due to Papal refusal to allow condoms in sex abuse cases have had a huge heavy financial toll on the Church in the United States and Ireland. The total in backhanders to victims of clergy sex abuse in the United States exceeded $840 million since 1950, and bankruptcy protection in three dioceses - Spokane, Washington; Portland, Oregon; and Tucson, Arizona under Chapter 11 has been filed.
Vatican accountant Paolo Trombetta (with the unfortunate surname that means in Italian -small screwer) said, "The recent financial statement shows that the Vatican must seek 'safe and low-yield' investment strategies." The experts have historically used the Vatican funds by investing into Italy's Banco Ambrosiano but it collapsed in 1982 with $1.3 billion in debt. The money had been loaned to shell companies in Panama and Luxembourg that were controlled by the Mafia involved in drug smuggling but the syndicates lost money hand over fist in bribes to Italian politicians.
The genius of the new financial strategy has to be seen to be believed. The Vatican will become the new worldwide headquarters of MacDonalds Inc in exchange for a percentage of burger sales. Better still all the burger buns will come with a Papal blessing. The Catholic Church will install small shrines in every MacDonalds outlet to collect customer contributions and will market Catholic toys to the kiddies. Secondly, the Vatican will install and start production of its own brand condom, to be probably called ‘The Immaculate Conception'. In an instant the Catholic flock in the World will increase 5 fold whilst the captive market for the condom brand will create a massive in-come stream (no pun intended). Catholics will only be allowed to purchase and collect the condoms once a month from local churches although discounts will be given for bulk purchases thus ensuring the sustainability of Church attendances.
Mr Ngonyama, from South Africa's largest non-governmental Aids prevention program which is run by the Southern African Catholic Bishops' Conference (SACBC) is delighted with the new enlightened way and argues that the church's approach now makes it possible to have an "integrated approach" to preventing the spread of HIV.
The Church stance on the use of condoms has been seriously misunderstood in the past, for example, it will continue to insist on the use of condoms between a married couple where one partner is not Catholic. This would avoid the production of hybrid Catholic children although the non-Catholic partner may be converted in they accept 50 lashes per year for 5 years. St Peters finances will also benefit directly as entrance to the Vatican City will require a minimum purchase at the door of an extra large MacDonalds family meal thus reinforcing the concept of social structure and integration.
Only Italy will be subjected to a variation of the new Holy Orders. Unfortunately, the Italian interpretation of ‘The Immaculate Conception' has been taken too literally during the 27 year reign of the previous Pope, Jean Paul II and as a consequence; there has been a total and catastrophic fall in the Italian birth rate although the population has remained stable due to the massive influx of Muslim immigrants.
Italian men will be obliged under oath to place the official condom on their erect member but prior to intercourse, cut the latex tip off with a pair of scissors. This will act simultaneously as a warning and a potential penitence for not trying harder in the past to create families with numerous children as well as preparation for the reproductive act. Some Italian men feel the last minute variation of the Holy Orders is going just a bit too far. Giuseppe Peppino, an agricultural worker form Tuscany lamented "We have been waiting for children to arrive for nearly 30 years and nothing happened, as long as the Church mass was in Latin we had never understood a word about ‘The Immaculate Conception'."
Elsewhere, non-Catholics are delighted with the changes and are converting in droves as they line up for their first 50 lashes. Simeon Baduselessmann currently a Protestant psychologically burning daily in Hell from Staffordshire, UK spoke ecstatically as he tried to staunch the blood flooding from his wounds "I am so happy that I can be converted to a proper faith and will be happy one day" and he added, "it is blissful to receive the 50 cat-o-nine lashes from Sister Monika, I cannot wait for the painful lashes again next year, meanwhile I must endure and suffer for my sins until I am cured."