Berlin - Due in part to the extremely hot weather conditions prevailing right across the Fatherland reports are coming in thick and fast regarding widescale rioting in German swimming pools across the country!
Swimming pool bosses have been forced to hire security guards because Germans keep kicking the shit out of each other fighting over sun loungers.
Frederick Von Schitzenburger, manager of the 'Anne Frank Memorial Lido' in Dusseldorf told our reporter; "Ja,it is like zer front line at Stalingrad at zer moment, Karl, our caretaker vos almost trampled to death yesterday mornink ven he opened zer gates. Many hundreds of grossly overweight countrymen vent charging past him sendink him head first in zer oranamental cactus garden! Ve haf zer large pool here at zer Lido vid approximately 80 sun lounges surrounding it...but vidin vun minute zay vos all taken and zat is ven zer troubles started. First it vos smasmodic screaming und verbal abuse but zis did not last und soon zer fists ver flying.I haf brought in zer security guards but zay cannot cope vid zer mayhem und many haf been injured already, vun vos airlifted out late yesterday vid serious injuries, I'm understanding zat a wet, rolled up copy of zer Das Bilt Newspaper vos thrust deep up his rectum!"
Similar reports are now flooding in from Munich, Cologne, Berlin and Dresdon as the pool fighting enters another level of viciousness and security guard casualties rise at an alarming rate! At Frankfurt General Hospital, senior surgeon, Doctor Joseph Mengele, aged 89, was asked by vivacious and full bodied SKY reporter,Kay Burley what sort of injuries he was treating as a result of the riots. Doctor Mengale immediately eyed her up and down and said; "I really like your heavink breasts fraulien, any chance of ze blow jobbie later?" When Kay reminded Doctor Mengale that they were 'live' on air he immediately lifted up his blood stained apron and flashed his massive doppleganger at her shouting, "Sit on zis baby!" Kay immediately orgasmed and fainted at the sight of it and was rushed to A&E on a gurney with Doctor Mengale on top of her giving mouth to mouth resuscitation.
With all attempts to bring the rioting under control with extra security proving a dismal failure the German Government has turned to the UK for immediate and urgent help. A spokeperson for the British Government, Owakawaka Mumbojumbo, told our London reporter;"De Krauts are no fools bro', dey know dat de British have fought and won many de battles against de filthy Germans and der fetish for de sun loungers. De Government has bin quick to respond man and de season holidaymaker data base is being combed for de toughest veterans of many hotel pool campaigns.We is looking for de ones who bin to Benidorm at least a dozen times or even Torromolinos or Salou. Once we has dem shortlisted dey be assembled into crack four man units an den will be airlifted overnight to de offending Kraut swimming pools ready for de dawn battles!" It is expected that order will be restored within a day or two, or even quicker if it rains!
Meanwhile, Doctor Mengele has been seperated from Kay Burley after a lengthy struggle....and she is said to be very upset about it as nobody asked her permission first and she has broken a nail!