The famous 72 virgins promised to dead terrorists for dying in a jihad (holy war) have come forward. The women, ranging in age from 1380 to 1420 years old, say that they have grown tired of their virginity status.
"We've been waiting in our Victoria's Secret lingerie for a long time to get laid, or even see some replacement virgins around here," said one who wished to remain anonymous. "The problem is that these dead terrorists show up expecting great sex from all of us, and then they just can't get an erection."
"It doesn't help that the hand grenades or suicide bombs blow off many of their penises. It doesn't help that Viagra doesn't have any effect on you when you are dead... with an equally dead dick. It also doesn't help them much that... well... this really isn't even heaven! Where do you think a righteous God sends murdering terrorists?"
"If this were heaven, their teeny weeny weinies would actually work and we'd have multiple orgasms all day long."
"We're tired of this. If we'd lived better lives, maybe we'd actually be in Christian heaven. There, you actually have good sex and your tits never sag."