Having recently rebelled at their enforced retirement,two Benedictine Nuns, Sister Virginie Ardant and Sister Laetitia Fossey, both aged 80 years, made a bolt from the secluded Abbaye de Notre-Dame de L'Annonciation Convent in Avignon recently and are still on the run!
Lifelong friends, both had become Nuns at the tender age of 15 years and had vowed to stay together forever, come what may.
Regrettably, after giving a lifetime of devotion and service to 'Jesus H. Christ Incorporated' they had reached the compulsory retirement age of 80 and were to be re-housed in an old Nuns retirement home in a run down suburb in Lyon. Despite their respective protestations and pleas at being farmed off Mother Superior, Whoopi Bardot, had turned a deaf ear on them both and had relet their rooms to a couple of younger, more nubile models.
Prior to being forcibly moved to the old Nuns home, Sisters Ardent and Fossey had been put in a 'secure room' on the fifth floor of the Convent while awaiting transportation.
Police Inspector Jacques Crepes picks up the story; "Eeet would seem zat while in zee 'olding room zer sisters decided to ..ow you say eet,'atch ze plane' and to zis events zey used zer talents of ze retired Convent gardener, Quasay L'Awnmowere.
Monsieur L'Awnmowere 'ad seeked refuge in ze Convent back in 1943 'aving deserted from zer French Army, as ees customary here in France, oui?
He 'ad zer police record as long as zer baguette 'aving been ze car thief, burgarla,franc forger,banco robber and international playboy impersonator. Being zer charismatic character, 'an well 'ung by all accounts, he quickly pulled zer wools over ze Mother Superiors eyeballs...and many other items of wooly clothing she was wearing! In short mon ami, he was 'shaggin' zer Mother Superior on a regular basis and most of zer Nuns as well! In return for zis regular rostered relief zay all keept ees whereabouts secret.
Over ze years ze two sisters formed a strong attachments to L'Awnmowere 'aving numerous orgasms and 'threesomes' in his 'umble Convent flat while watching 'ees magnificent collection of porno movies and doing 'eet' in every position imaginable...oo-la-la!!
But zer time she march on, and wear, tear and curvature of ze spine took it's dreadfall toll on L'Awnmowere's sexual prowess and he was no longer able to keep it up let alone perform thrice nightly or do his amazing 'chanderlier to headboard' trick. Eventually, he retired at 89 having been gifted with a lifelong subscription to both, 'Men Only' and 'Playboy' magazines by the very grateful, if not saddened, nuns and moved to Paris where he rented a room in a low brow brothel! Here, in his golden years, he had settled for a life of self abuse and cheap plonk from his local LIDL supermarket.
But true friendship never dies and upon hearing of Sister Virginie and Laetitia's plight he came out of retirement one last time. We 'ave reasons to believe zat he was not only responsible for ze theft of Gerard Depardieus Bugatti Veyron motor vehicle, from outside a Parisienne McDonalds, but also for 'springing ze two Nuns from captivity! We 'ave had ze many sightings from across all Francais zat ze Nuns 'ave been seen in Normandy, Cannes,Bordeux and even sunbathing topless with Carla Bruni on President Nicolas Sarkozy' yacht in Monaco! We 'ad considered requesting some 'elp from zer famous Anglaise Northumbrian Police but after ze debacle with Raoul Mout and ze piss poor Euro exchange rate we said bollox' to zat!"
At time of going to press the nationwide nun hunt is still on but public opinion is now more in favour of leaving the two nuns alone in order that they might enjoy their new found freedom. Furthermore, rumours abound that both have been in touch with TV's Ty Pennington and Carla Bruni's plastic surgeon and had extreme makeovers. Therefore, with indentification now seemingly impossible the French Police may just call the nun hunt off and have an early night.
Carla Bruni loves sucking Fishermens Friends.....especially those from GRIMSBY.