Written by Morse
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Sunday, 25 July 2010

image for Canadian Writer Comes Home Smelling of Fish; Wife Almost Fillets Him!
Tilapia Posing as Walleye in Nicholas' Kitchen: Crime Photo by RCMP

Reports are coming in from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) of a domestic disturbance that has sent at least one citizen to hospital, and left a shambles in a domestic kitchen on the outskirts of Toronto apparently after an outdoor sporting experience went terribly wrong.

Mild mannered naturalized citizen Victor Nicholas, a keen outdoorsman by neighbor accounts, apparently was set upon and was almost filleted by his wife after returning from a wild week end outing smelling of fish.

According to neighbors in close proximity, Mr. Nicholas who had told his wife of long standing that he was 'ducking out for a spot of Walleye fishing' on a remote lake that involved tenting, living off the land and crapping in a hastily dug hole, returned home smelling all over of fish....which then caused the row.

Bugsy McAngst, a close neighbor, said he heard the missis screaming wildly in the kitchen, and being especially hot in July this year, and all windows open, no words were missed.

According to the jest of the tirade Victor had never caught anything before, which was not only a sore point in the household, but of an especially troubling nature to Victor who had spent thousands of dollars (Canadian) to attend at least two (2) high priced Orvis fly fishing seminars in the states, one in Vermont, and one in Georgia.

The bottom line is that after many yearly fishing jaunts, Victor had apparently come home 'skunked', so this time when he arrived home
smelling 'especially fishy' according to reports, his wife went mental accusing him of 'having some Newfie bitch off on the beach I suppose' according to the report filed by Corporal Martin Shuttlecock, formerly of Manchester, UK.

Apparently a struggle ensued over a 10" fillet knife that Victor was attempting to use to prepare his 'Walleye' for a tasty dish on the barbie, and was turned upon him as his wife attempted a neutering operation, without anesthetic, the report added.

While only slightly 'nicked', emergency personal transported Mr. Nicholas to the nearest National Heath Service office approximately 756 miles away, and a nurse at the hospital said as soon as the patient arrives 'sometime tomorrow' they could give an update on his condition, which according to ambulance attendants was not 'life threatening.'

In a late breaking addition to the story, RCMP laboratories in Toronto have ascertained the fish in question was a farm raised Tilapia sold on 21 July
in a Loblaw market in Montreal in the midst of the Red Light district between popular clubs Super Sexe and Le 281. No further statements
were available at time of publication.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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