Written by Bertram Chapley
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Topics: Pope, Vatican

Thursday, 14 April 2005

image for Yoda 7-1 on to Become New Pope
Yoda Paul II

The Vatican announced that it is considering a suggestion that they should not elect a new Pontiff but replace the late lamented John Paul with a CGI (Computer Generated Image) and to have this image as a Star Wars character to attract a younger clientele to the Roman Catholic church.

One Roman Catholic Cardinal said "Mi non chieda che, parli a quell'uomo là con il cappello aguzzo sopra" which when translated means "Don't ask me, speak to that man over there with the pointy hat on" so we did.

"Recent Poles suggest Yoda is the most popular but if we relied on Poles then we would not get anywhere. The last recent Pole let us down badly. He croaked it - literally, leaving us in this mess so we may elect a character ourselves" said Cardinal Claudia Schiffer.

"However Yoda is already half way there with his appearance and clothes so it may well make good sense with little rework required. His voice is certainly perfect for a Pope"

George Lucas, maker of Star Wars has been approached by several people but managed to evade them when he sped off on his Harley up Sunset Boulevard and hid in the Emporio Armarni shop.

When we approached Yoda at his home on Delta 7 he said that he was flattered but that was because he had sustained a puncture whilst walking in the woods.

The Papal electoral college meets later this month at the Dog and Rat in Croydon to discuss the successor and in a century old tradition set fire to beer mats in an old ash tray to signify they have made a choice, a practice frowned upon by Anti Smoking Lobbyists and environmentalists.

The usage of non living characters has been successful in other walks of life. Until recently Robert Mugabe was portrayed by Waldorf from the Muppet Show and this trend has continued into Sport when it was revealed Venus Williams uses a Cabbage Patch Doll as a stand in when attending Wimbledon.

A spokesman from the London School of Economics said "This is not an economical matter so why the hell are you asking me !"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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