After centuries of slumbering unnoticed, suddenly the Isle of Wight, due to a cosmic convergence of puzzling occurrences, has been thrust into the public limelight, and just yesterday was named as the World's Most Intriguing New Tourist Destination, replacing Haiti in the New York Times Vacation Review Issue.
Marketing Mavens from around the world, scratching their heads in amazement, attribute the phenomena to several strange man made occurrences.
During the past two weeks a group of travel writers for The Spoof. com, identifying themselves as Wight Wingers, have deluged the travel sections of the world's largest dailies and tabloid magazines, with titillating tales regarding little known facts about the island including a burgeoning Sex Trade.
It hasn't hurt tourism either, that the upstart Wight Weekly has started posting pictures of comely topless maidens along with personal ads for massage therapists, help wanted ads for topless petrol attendants, dock attendants at the Cowes Marina, and caddies at the world class golf courses at Sandown.
Also contributing to the tourist crush, is the low budget Irish Airlines , the brain child of Irish entrepreneur Sir Fergus McCarthy who's success story is known to all citizens in the UK.
McCarthy, starting with a WWI Sopwith Camel converted into a potato crop duster, parlayed his modest start in aviation , into a multi-billion dollar mass transit system featuring low fares, no frills, and typical Irish Service .
His latest venture, announced just last week, and also promoted by the Wight Wingers, includes non stop, standing room only glider service from anywhere in the UK to the Isle of Wight for just $1.25.
The eye opening fee does not include transport of any baggage, carry on or otherwise, bathroom facilities, ticketing agents, or a covered airport waiting lounge. Customers are required to queue on the open tarmac, and standing positions are granted on a first come first served arrangement aided by
a team of efficient border collies well versed in herding passengers to their assigned straps.
McCarthy's frugality is well known, and there has been documented reports that on several occasions fuel consumption on his planes with engines, have been miscalculated forcing several flights to 'glide in' to it's landing destination, or in some cases to the closest airport.
These incidences have incurred extensive investigations by Health & Safety, as the planes have been forced to be grounded for at least a week to enable
HAZMAT workers to thoroughly steam clean interiors due to splattered human waste throughout the compartment due to 'extreme excitement' by passengers.
Allegedly this is what caused McCarthy to come up with his latest scheme
using gliders which he calls his "Whispering Vacation" which one travel critic says was as close to a 'near death' experience as he ever wanted to be.
Because of the unprecedented pressure on the island and it's 130,000 residents, tent cities have been set up for overnight accommodations, there has been a tremendous demand for portable toilets, and the island's three breweries have been forced to bring in labour gangs from Poland to crush hops and go to 3 eight hours shifts.
Estate agents, recently suffering during the depression, have taken to
marketing Time Share Estates, buying up converted row houses and selling
them off in one day shares for UK day trippers. The scheme, marketed under the theme "One Day at a Time," is said to be doing well, and closing agents are said to be 'swamped' as they rush to close deals and get deeds recorded so tourists don't have to sleep off their hangovers in one of the
'deplorable' tent cities inhabited by gangs of roving bullies looking for a fight.
Said Sean Millwight, a documented 'caulkhead', "Me family's been here since they invented sheep dip...never seen the likes....bunch of blokes from all over looking like gallybaggers and you can't hardly understand 'em....talk funny the whole lot...makes yer wonder, whatever happened to The Olde England...
all this invasion....me thinks history is repeating itself...BASTARDS!"
Rumours abound that The Bonkettes will be headlining at either the Garlic Festival or The Wight Festival later in the year to honor "Trixie's Big Red Motorbike', a group from the 80's who tried to put the Isle of Wight on the map. It Failed.
Critics at the time said, "They're a band just a little ahead of their time....civilization isn't quite on the brink of failure ...give em 30 years
and they could be BIG!"