Written by Bill Licks
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Monday, 19 July 2010

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Homo Erectus? All the bloody time by the looks of it - the dirty Neanderthal buggers

Archaeologists in France have discovered what they believe to be the oldest porn in existence.

The pornography is depicted in a series of graphic paintings in a remote cave the archaeologists have named Le Grande Gash.

British scientist and floppy haired TV presenter Professor Brian Scock has been given exclusive access to Le Gash and was excited, almost to the point of orgasm by the images he witnessed.

'There were paintings of all sorts of sexual activities to please all tastes' spluttered the boffin, 'From the simple missionary position right up to double penetration of a confused dinosaur.'

'For example, there was this picture of some cavegirl on cavegirl action. Proper kinky it was. This one cavegirl was covered head to toe in thick black hair and she was giving this other cavebird, who looked a bit like Rachel Welch out of 1,000,000 BC, a right seeing to with an enormous strap-on. Of course, battery powered strap-ons as we know them weren't invented back then so she was using what appeared to be the tooth of a Sabre Toothed tiger or a unicorn or something.'

'Then there was this group scene of a load of cavemen who'd been out clubbing and pulled a couple of right sorts. But back in prehistoric times 'going out clubbing' meant literally clubbing birds over the their heads with wooden clubs. And 'going on the pull' meant grabbing some tart by her hair and pulling her back to your cave.'

'The most shocking picture was that of two cave fellas going twos up on a Velociraptor. I know you're thinking that might be quite dangerous as Velociraptors can be pretty vicious creatures like in Jurassic Park and stuff, but I guess it all added to the thrill for these guys as there was always the chance that one of them could have had his old chap ripped off by the angry beast. Man they must have been buzzing.'

The prof also witnessed what he first believed to be stalactites but realized they were made of a slightly different substance when he snapped one off and put it his pocket.

'They were solidified droplets of cave jizz' he said. 'You can imagine a cave teenager who would have spent his days watching all these cave babes strutting around in their animal skin bikinis and would have been ready to explode by nightfall. So when he assumed his parents were asleep, he would have crept into his hidden cave of porn and spanked himself all over the walls and ceilings, probably about 20 times in one evening because these primitive men were more virile as they lived on a diet of raw Tyrannosaurus Rex, I think.'

Questions are still being asked about the authenticity of the porn and some believe the pictures to be the work of infamous French graffiti artist, Wanksey. However, Le Grande Gash will be open to the public during the Summer holidays although children will need to be accompanied by an adult.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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