Written by Dogooder Dave
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Topics: Pope, Chocolate

Sunday, 10 April 2005

image for Pope To Rise on Third Day
Stop The Pigeon

Unconfirmed reports of the imminent resurrection of Pope John Paul II have sparked a world chocolate crisis according to Chief Executive, Betty Biggles of the renowned High Street confectioners, Chocs Away.
It is only three weeks since massive discounting of the traditional Easter Egg saw shelves cleared of all stock as devout fundamentalist Christians scrambled for mementoes of the 1973rd anniversary of Our Lord and Saviours' untimely death.
While the general publics' consumption of Easter Eggs has waned in favour of celebrating Our Heavenly Fathers Only Begotten Sons' murder by exchanging gifts of the latest Britney Spears DVD, fundementalists have resolved to regain control of this, nigh on 2000 year old, tradition.
It is now believed that, contrary to the popular myth that The Last Supper consisted of wine and bread, that Our Lord did in fact order in a family sized bucket of KFC with six free bottles of Diet Coke. The disciples having stuffed themselves with such tasty nibbles, proceeded to pass round jars of chocolate spread with which Our Saviours feet were enbalmed before each took turns to lick his toes.
Next morning little blobs of chocolate were found on the carpet each containing flakes of the sandal wearing Saviours' desert weary underfoot hard skin and so the Malteser was invented in celebration of the fine party the night before.
It wasn't until 1895 when the revered Scottish explorer Dr Lee MacAroon was excavating cliffside tombs in the Jordanian desert that ancient notebooks were found detailing Jesus' hobby of Pigeon Fancying.
On his return to Scotland Dr MacAroon met his old friend Mr Tunnock and together they invented an ovoid chocolate container representing a pigeons egg to conceal, in its' secret void, six sellophane wrapped Maltesers. Both men pulled a fast one and by the process of rumour and gossip, using the columns of weekly religious publication, The Sunday Sport, so grew the alluring tale of Easter Eggs being representative of Judas' fear at being discovered for his treachery and laying one. The real story of Jesus' love for pigeons remained a Vatican secret but has been alluded to every now and then with the release of two white doves.
Since The Popes' interment on Friday past, the seals to The Holy Pigeon Loft have been burst assunder by Polish emigres dissatisfied with his will which denied them ownership of his collection of Smurfs.Hidden in his locked Smurf cabinet was a hand written note confirming El Papas intention to be at the first meet of the Pontypool Pigeon Fanciers season due to be held April 11th at 10am precisely.
Commentators are therefore convinced that the resurrection will happen at some time today it being the Popes' clear intention to be in Wales by tomorrow morning with a basket of pigeons.
Mrs Biggles is believed to be currently organising a mass movement of pantechnicons loaded with chocolate eggs in time for the faithfuls wish to celebrate the Popes' Pigeons plopping on the people of Pontypool and Cocoa bean producers around the world are gearing themselves up for an increase in demand.

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