Written by Erskin Quint
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Friday, 16 July 2010

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The Heart of Darkness, Yesterday

While the ordination of women priests has been dubbed a "crime against faith" by the Vatican subject to investigation by its disciplinary body formerly known as the Holy Office of the Inquisition, writes Patrick O'Buggery, Medieval Power-Abuse Correspondent, the latest ruling from the Holy City on paedophilia among its priests merely calls the act of child-molestation a moral aberration.

Vatican spokescardinal, Ferdinando Pervatori, speaking from the ancient torture chambers of the Holy Office of the Inquisition, where a fresh batch of naked would-be women priests were being "put to the question" by crack Vatican Sadist Pederasts, summed up the new rules:

"The ordination of the females is a crime against the holy sacraments. The paedophilia, it is a moral crime, a very naughty thing, for which we have our own special disciplines."

The modern Inquistion will be authorised to carry out naked tortures of convicted women priests, since they will be judged to have violated the very tenets of the Catholic faith.

"This is an issue of the sacrament of faith", reinforced Cardinal Pervatori. "Whereas, the priest who has, how you say, been a little too close to his choirboy, this is a thing which is perhaps to be expected, in a world without the female kind on which to lust.

"It is what so many of our priests have experienced when they were themselves the altar boy, and is almost, how you say, a natural part of the training.

"But yes, in the cases where there is genuine injury to the boy, we will have the authority to remove the frockings of the offending priest, though we would not wish to involve the civil policemen.

"What we will do will be the Vatican soldiery, in all their finery, they will make faces at the offender, and to hit him about the head with their pig's bladders on the sticks. Then, after a suitable period of penance, which can be as long as two weeks, the priest is becoming the teacher in the school, the choir-master, or the top cardinal with the big salary.

"This is a lesson to all the female temptresses who would contaminate our pure world of men and medieval perversions."

The new rulings are likely to accelerate the remarkably fecund cross-pollination that has been taking place between the Anglican and Catholic Churches.

A schism has sundered the Church of England. Likely to be ordaining women bishops by 2014, the Anglican church is already suffering the consequences in the form of the likely desertions of scores of traditionalist, mysoginist, pederastical paedophiles. As recently as recently, according to a source close to a 9-year old, a group of 70 dismayed Anglican paedophiles met with a Catholic bishop to discuss joining his medieval institution. Earlier this year, 3 women-hating Anglican bishops visited the torture chambers of the Holy Office of the Inquisition, to discuss an offer made by Pope "Queenie" Benedict XVI to all disaffected Anglican perverts to convert to Catholicism while keeping the tenets of their homosexuality intact.

Meanwhile, the Archbishop of Canterfordbridge, Dr William Ashmountain, has urged all Italian women to join the Church of England. "We love Italian women in the Anglican church", he ejaculated yesterday. "We'd love for them to escape the clutches of the Pope's Byzantine and medieval hierarchies and flock to our church. These Italian women are voluptuous, like Gina Lollobrigida and Sophia Loren. We need to sex up our liturgy and glamourise our churches in a world where we are competitive with the culture of celebrity and reality TV.

"My hope and prayer is also that we do that in a way which does not so violently disrupt some of our common life and some important features of it, that we actually lose one another in the process."

Meanwhile, in an announcement that will surely only add to all the confusion, a source close to a secret wimple and self-flagellation fetish as well as the General Synod has revealed that a Synod working party is investigating the feasibility of allowing male Anglican Bishops to become nuns.

"People will joke about this", admitted our source - very fetching in a 19th century ghost-white habit and guimpe - "but it is an attempt to address the compexity of our times by allowing the bishops to enter the convent to provide supervision and succour."

Perhaps we should be comforted by the manner in which our great ecclesiastical institutions are attempting to evolve and move with the ebb and flow of our turbulent era.

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