Moscow - (Na Zdrawie!): France's Premiere Madame has tested DNA positive for being Anna Chapman's mother, KGB sources said today.
That makes the failed 'Ukranian' spook a 99.9% contender for Silvio Berlusconi's grand-daughter, sparking fears of yet another Mafia stitch-up.
The unnatural redhead is being questioned at a Bloodyvostock safe house where Russian security officials have been told to go easy on their debagging - er...debriefing! - techniques.
A phone call from the Kremlin this morning made it slear that a top Russian honcho - maybe Putin, possibly Gorbachev or even Pope JP2 Lodge himself! - is likely to be the DNA father.
These rumors have been scotched by the FBI however, who maintain it's Bill Clinton who is Ms Chapman's birth father.
And that was their surveillance of the fetid ex-Prez that nailed the Russian eleven.
Back in Russia Ms Chapman is furious that personal possessions left behind at her Upper East Side condo are to be flogged at auction to help pay some of the extradition costs to Moscow.
These include her top of the range wifi-enabled sex toys and a Mossad GPS homing device giving extremely accurate homing signals for Tiger Woods' whereabouts.
Note: Debagging/de-pantsing/grogging/shanking/sharking/ dekecking/kecking and/or drooping have all been banned by the Geneva Subvention as cruel and inappropriate debriefing rites.