In breaking news from UN Headquarters in New York; North-East piss artist and over-rated has been footballer Paul Gascoigne has been appointed Secretary General of the United Nations with immediate effect.
Gazza, ebullient from his first foray into peace negotiations following innovative attempts by him to save now headless crminal murderer Raoul Moat by bringing him a can of lager, some chicken, a mobile phone and 'something to keep him warm' (for perhaps the first time on this media outlet, you just couldn't make this stuff up), has been swiftly appointed by the UN in a move deisgned to capitalise on his current ambassadorial cachet and leverage his unorthodox negotiating style. In what's seen as a highly creative transfer move the other way; former Secretary General Ban Ki-moon has immediately taken over the reign's of Gascoigne's former activities and is currently on a 4 day drink and drug binge in Gateshead with Jimmy 5 bellies and some ropey prostitutes.
Paul Gascoigne's feet had hardly touched the ground in the new role when the United Nations management team immediately sent him to negotiate with Osama Bin Laden in the mountains of Pakistan. Following first contact with the deluded Islamic nutcase, the deluded Geordie nutcase issued the following statement:
"He is willing to give in now. I just want to give him some therapy and say 'come on Ladeny, it's Gazza'. He is alright - simply as that and I am willing to help him. I have come all the way from Newcastle to Pakistan to find him, have a chat with him. I guarantee, Osama, he won't shoot me. I am good friends with him."
The statement continued for another 40 minutes but was unfortunately utterly incomprehensible.
It's understood from insiders that Gascoigne is a record transfer for the UN and that they met his exhorbitant demands of 78 cans of premium lager, 6 vindaloo's, 7 E's, 3 grams of coke, 2 viagra pills and 16 packets of pork scratchings a day.
Gazza's next high profile missions are likely to include securing peace in the Middle East, resolving the tense situation in Darfur, eliminating piracy in Somalia and brokering an amnesty between Gary Neville and Liverpool fans.