Written by Cautivo
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Topics: Food, Humans

Wednesday, 6 April 2005

SIRIUS 2 - McEarth Food Corp announced yesterday it is closing down its once popular Homo Sapien Fly-Thru service. "The demand for tasty humans simply isn't there anymore," admitted Chief Executive Officer Zlo-Ta-FfAAAAR in a pan-galactic news conference. "When we realised that our main competitor was achieving far greater sales of its Tau Ceti SewageBeast Happy Meals…well, then we decided enough was enough," said Zlo-Ta-FfAAAAR, wearily shaking several of its heads.

The stellar fall from grace of the McEarth restaurant has been attributed to repeated heath and safety problems. "I used to be a total human-junkie," confesses Yrq-Flathblob, a Urothian dental practitioner. "I mean God, out of anyone, I knew they were bad for my teeth, but once I crunched into a couple of those human heads and the juice just trickled down both my throats…I've gotta tell you, I was in heaven!" Like many others however, Yrq-Flathblob became disillusioned. "Nowadays, you bite into a human and all you can taste is chlorinated paraffin or DDT or Toxaphene or whatever else it is they're currently poisoning their planet with. It was bad enough when McEarth insisted on smothering humans with mayo, but this is just ridiculous!"

Many McEarth customers have also complained of difficulties accessing the Fly-Thru itself. "Time was you could zip down there in a beat-up old Solar-Hopper," says uUuUuU4, a Jengian aerobics instructor. "All the humans did in those days was throw rocks at your ship or run around screaming. If you go there to pick up a human sixpack these days, you have to be prepared: cloaking device, radiowave jamming machine, forcefields…the list is endless," sighs uUuUuU4 from its nose-pipe. "I mean is it really worth going through all that effort just for a Human Anal-Probe Maxi Meal? I think not."

The announcement of the Fly-Thru's closure was greeted with praise by the Society for Ethical Treatment of Humans (SETH). "We at SETH have always argued that humans are a sentient species and thus should be treated with respect, not dunked in sweet curry sauce and eaten with curly fries," insists SETH founder Slipbingblonyfa, a former representative of the Galactic Council. "The way in which humans have been repeatedly deep-fried, sautéed, mashed, boiled, roasted, microwaved, stuffed with garlic or simply swallowed raw has been a disgrace to our society. Humans should be treated with the respect and compassion they deserve," asserts Slipbingblonyfa, adding, "They should be burned as a fuel-source."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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