Father. Handyob of the Catholic Persecution Council said a man had been arrested in a dawn raid at a house in Derry.
Catholic police were called after neighbours heard loud banging noises coming from the upstairs bedroom of the terraced house in Onanist Grove.
Suspicions were raised because the man is a bachelor and had not been seen since buying some magazines from the local newsagent. Loud groans and laughter were also heard which is unusual for a Sunday morning.
Police broke down the front door and raced upstairs to find a man laying on a double bed with his trousers round his ankles and a stack of pornographic material beside him.
Inspector Proflactic said the man was caught red handed, several boxes of used tissues were taken for forensic tests and we hope to get a confession in the next few hours, depending on the level of torture.
Criminal Psychologist. Juan Offdewrist said: "Sperm Mass murderers, or Wankers to the layperson, are loners by nature, who often keep magazines and films as a distraction while committing their crimes.
Luckily, the police caught this criminal in time, he could have go on to murder millions if he had not been stopped".
Cardinal Bolok said he hoped the man would confess and tell authorities what he shot his victims onto.