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Wednesday, 7 July 2010

image for Spunky Seaman Survives 40 Days on Spunk, Semen
If at first you don't succeed, try until you can suck seed.

PAPUA, New Guinea -- A totally spent man who survived a 40-day ordeal arrived safely in Honiara yesterday, said authorities.

Peter Chisolm, a retired naval officer from East New Britain, was lost for nearly six weeks before being found by villagers in Choiseul.

According to a statement given to police before his departure, Chisolm was to travel from his village of Sampun to Kilahum village to retrieve a canoe.

"I was headed back to Sampun late in the afternoon when a couple of really big waves pushed the canoe onto some rocks," he said. "It washed away my fuel tank and supplies, but I was finally able to get off the rocks."

He pushed the canoe out to sea and managed to get his engine humming again, but it gave out with a pop as he inevitably ran out of fuel.

"I tried to stroke towards the shore with the only piece of stiff wood I could find, but the current was too strong and pulled the canoe out to sea," he said.

After being blindsided by the wave, Chisolm eventually lost sight of New Britain Island.

In fact, for 39 days, he was not able to see land at all.

"To stay alive, I had to use a sheet of canvas to collect rainwater," Chisolm said.

But that was not the worst of it, he added.

"I wasn't able to catch any fish," said Chisolm, "so I was getting pretty hungry."

Chisolm said 4 days into the ordeal, he managed to find a coconut floating in the sea and had food for the first time. After that, he was unable to find any more food.

Strangely enough, he said that same large, hairy nut full of milky white goodness kept popping back into his mind.

About ten days after being washed out to sea, late in the evening, Chisolm took the same canvas he had earlier used to collect rainwater, and retreated, pitching a tent in the canoe.

In his state of extreme starvation, Chisolm explained, his mind had begun to play tricks on him. Over the passing weeks, he subsequently enjoyed a bounteous feast that included succulent meatballs smothered in man paste, thick blood sausage with meat sauce, Aberdeen beef with baby batter injections, piping hot protein shakes, giblets with cream gravy, even tube steak smothered in underwear.

Fortunately, Chisolm eventually spotted an island, and the current began to take him in that direction.

"I used the canvas as a sail to get to the island, then I anchored the canoe on the island and spent the night," he recalled.

But not until the famished castaway was finally able to locate a suitable seaward-facing, windblown tree growing at a low angle over the ground, practically bursting with plump, ripe coconuts.

"For the first time since my ordeal began, I was actually able to manuever into a position at the base of the tree where I could suck myself off proper," he said.

Dinner came easy that night, Chisolm recalled.

His touching story reached it's climax the next morning when Chisolm was discovered while having breakfast by a local family.

He was taken to Posarae village, where a nurse examined him and decided to send him to Gizo hospital to have his stomach pumped.

Chisolm thanked everyone involved for helping him come home safely, then issued a gag order on this story.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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