MANHATTAN - Speaking from his office high atop The David Letterman-Jay Leno Building in downtown Manhattan, Fox political commentator and Nazi stalker Glenn Beck has vowed that he will find the crazed criminal Raoul Moat and bring the English heathen to justice.
When asked what makes him think that he can do a better job than the trained authorities, Beck snickered and replied, "That is an easy one...because I am Glenn Beck. I am a man who never lies, always is right, and knows the difference between the rock bands Survivor, Journey, and Foreigner.
Beck was asked if he owns any weapons. He paused for a moment and said that he owns seven AK-47's, all illegal, which he has conveniently hidden inconvenient hiding places including his mother-in-law's sewing room, his maiden aunt's sewing room, and his gay cousin Binky's sewing room.
Glenn stated that he was rather pressed for time because he had to rush out to JFK Airport to catch a flight to London's Heathrow Airport.
When asked if he would be receiving any assistance he smiled and said that a super hero such as himself really does not need any assistance, since they would really only get in his way.
Beck plans to film his journey and he will turn it into a documentary which he has already entitled, How I, Glenn Beck, Managed To Capture The Friggin Freakin Rabid Animal Known As Raoul Moat.
SIDENOTE: Glenn said that he has already done something that no one else has done. He has personally spoken to Moat's only aunt, Castle Moat, 79, and she has been very helpful in providing him with some very intimate details about Raoul, such as what beer he drinks, who his favorite English singer is, and what brand of condoms he prefers.