Written by O Wilkinson
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Wednesday, 2 July 2003

Hot on the heels of the announcement that "Women to come with warning" is long-awaited proof that women actually feel normal during their monthly periods and use the whole hormone-fuelled cover story as an excuse for cruel retribution against their men-folk.

Handbags

We sent our top undercover journalist Rupert Doubtfire deep into frau-territory without support or contact, and he has just returned with the shocking revelation. "It was pretty easy" he enthused in de-brief, "I just spent the week complimenting them all on their hairdos and clothes, made sure I was dishing out loads of hugs at strategic moments. They swallowed the lot and thought I was one of them".

Gladrags

Towards the end of his week in deep cover, Doubtfire reports that the group let more and more slip. "I learned a lot of truly shocking things, but had to go along with it all to ensure I didn't arouse suspicions" he informed us. "Apparently cave-man traits and general sexism is a real turn on" he grinned "but the world-shaking truth about periods nearly made me smudge my rouge".

Rod Stewart

Visibly shaken, we quizzed him about risking his life in the name of journalism. Between sobs he tells us of "hours spent in communal showers" and never knowing if his cover would be blown by random flatulence or a surprisingly good over-arm throw.

"If they have sussed me, I'd probably have been on the receiving end of an ineffective attack by hand-held shoes, or even a nasty hand-bagging".

Haggis face

Since his mission, Doubtfire is now living in exile in Kazakhstan where he is hailed a hero. A chief woman recently spat venom and dismissed his claims as "complete crap" - we won't be arguing.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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