Abunch of dried up old prunes that were famous for 3 days back when gas was $1.15 are cane-shaking mad that the warm, hairy parts of Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, and Miranda Cosgrove are getting all the attention, while theirs have the Google Trends impact of Monica Lewinski's purse designing career, and they plan to do something about it!
"Do you know how popular I was," asked 38 year old Melissa Joan Hart, whose Nickelodeon show "Clarissa Explains it All" used to address current events such as the Ford Pinto fires and the Jonestown Massacre. "Kids were downloading my nip slips on their 14.4kbps modems all day long."
44 year old Samantha Fox, who had hits in the 80s with "Naughty Girls Need Love Too" and "Lemmy Whitewashed My Uterus" explains that she will always be more relevant than the girls that're starring on Teen Beat nowadays.
"There is a reason I was so hot in my day," said Fox, while running a Happy Meal out to a drive-thru customer. "I showed the Beav to anyone with a camera and Press credentials. That'll keep the 14-year-olds coming back for more.
"It is my contemporaries that went on to have long, active careers, " agreed Mayim Bialik, the 46 year old star of "Blossom" a show about a horse and her best friend, a teenage hooker named Six. "Nanette Fabray, Imogene Coca, Loretta Swit, Lindsay Wagner, Kate Jackson, Suzanne Somers, Loni Anderson, Barbara Bain, Susan Hampshire, Jean Marsh, Sada Thompson, Dana Delany, Patricia Wettig, Kathy Baker, Christine Lahti: Those young girls will be around forever, not the tramps nowadays."