"That arse hole stole me identity!!" So said practicing Canadian Proctologist Dr. Victor Nicholas today, when confronted by the RCMP and agents of the FBI as they followed up the astounding story of more than a dozen Russian sleeper agents living as 'normal' citizens in the US on Canadian passports.
Law enforcement officials were following up reports that a certain Dr. Victor
(Code name VIKTOR) Nicholas was a practicing Proctologist in Newton, Ma, where he was known to be anally retained by Congressman Barney Frank, and Senator John Kerry, both influential members of Congress and prominent Arse Holes privy to many of the government's current fiscal, military and international policies.
As a high ranking investigator said, "how better to get close to someone and ferret out a few secrets than climbing right up into his arse....no secrets safe there I'd say!"
An indignant 'real' Dr. Nicholas was frankly astounded. Nicholas, a staunch
Canadian, leader of local civic groups, ardent outdoorsman, sportsman and survivor of the Canadian Realty Show "I Surfed the Great Bumbogoola River", lives peacefully in a remote part of Canada with his bride, the former Princess Bonga-Bonga, daughter of Chief Poogy from the Goobo-Goobo Mudlands tribe, just one of the many trophies he brought back from his adventures, not all of which includes a wife who continues to tap her titties in rhythm to the Canadian National Anthem.
"At first I thought someone was playing a Newfie joke on me," said the white smocked Doctor when he answered the door at his clinic dressed for work in his knee high Wellies and elbow length rubber gloves, (Nicholas is also the village veterinarian), "why someone would decide to steal my identity certainly is a baffler!"
Still behind bars as the story continues to unfold is the startling photogenic red haired Mata Hari known in the US as Anna Chapman, who apparently is really Katya Kuschenko, daughter of a high ranking KGB operative who served in many international stations as a government embassy staffer.
Continued investigations have the fetching 'honey trap' working as a registered Masseur now linked to Al "Horny Poodle" Gore, as the mysterious red headed White House party crasher who wound up sitting next to
Joe 'Bite Me" Biden during a state dinner for Felipe Calderon, and as a high priced bi-sexual escort for current Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, proposed Justice Kagan, and a guest at the DC opera of Homeland Security Director Janet Napilatano where insiders say she is a favourite paid consort of the Infamous Pants Suit Posse.
Meanwhile, after a burger and a cherry coke with visiting Russian president Dimitry Medvedev, President Obamsky blew off the expanding controversy as 'merely a local police matter...certainly a rush to judgement by local enforcement agencies acting stupidly...again!"
Still unknown during the drama, is what role international correspondent Earl Grey has played in the matter. Grey had figured prominently in the past with one on one interviews with Putin, Chavez and Castro, but has not been seen
recently while his editor continues to claim 'he is currently away on assignment."
Grey, who has been known to flit effortlessly between borders of countries not noted to be friendly to the US or UK, is now raising questions over whether he has been a double, or even triple agent.
As yet unconfirmed is a report that Grey married the well endowed sister of the now infamous Katya Kuschenko, and as the story unfolds is being held in a Moscow prison for the information encrypted in his laptop.
Investigators from M1-5,6,7 &11, according to the cleaning lady, stormed the offices of The Spoof.Com outside London late last night and confiscated
data banks, back up tapes, and e-mail logs after it was reported encrypted messages between the alleged spies and their Russian handlers, were buried in Spoofer's avatars, inside innocuous appearing ads for Muslim dating sites,
Marmite, and militant animal rights groups supporting rabid foxes.
Editor Mark Lowton, previously detained in Cyprus, apparently has jumped bail, and there now is a world wide alert out for the Spoof Founder and Editor in Chief who investigators say is a lot smarter and more nefarious than he appears.
Sitting in for Lowton in order to keep revenue flowing, is itinerant editor Monkey Woods, flown in on emergency notice to keep up cash flow and vet all incoming manuscripts.
UK Minister of the Internet, Sir Percey Montbatten, has said the unravelling case could have serious consequences and is threatening to control the site
with emergency measures which would preclude any new articles reaching the editor's desk.
Said Mr. Woods, " we have a dooms day plan already in effect to cover that contingency. Should the government cut off our correspondents, I'll just write all the shit meslef, it's worked before, and it'll certainly work again!"
Skoob News has been contacted to take up the slack, and it is anticipated that additional updates on the startling story will be posted as soon as somebody gets it.
That's all for now. Quite the cock up, innit?