Washington, USA. Earlier this weekend the United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced plans to begin bombing the bad lands of popular fantasy: J R R Tolkien's Middle Earth. The plan comes in the wake of the NATO summit in Prague where it became evident to the leading conservative that such a strike was both "important and historic". "It's going to be the first time any major westernized nation has ever attempted to take on a fictional police state" he went on to say. "However, I'm sure that if there is any country in the world that is willing to use the full force of its resources to do such a thing, then the United States of America is that country".
It seems that with the continuing occupation of Iraq, the Bush administration is taking no chances. "We did not shrink away from war when it was the only way to rid Iraq of its weapons of mass destruction," said Rumsfeld "and after much research, we now believe that Middle Earth has been supplying Iraq with the necessary magic and spells to continue resisting peace". When asked if he was sure that a mythical land was helping the rebels US Secretary of State, Colin Powel, was surprised "When we first sent weapons inspectors to Iraq and they didn't find anything we thought it was because the country was hiding them," he explained "now we think that they were really covered in pixie dust and made invisible."
Middle Earth covers a wide territory and has some of the world's most impressive ethnic diversity. It covers almost 800 leagues squared (Roughly the size of Lithuania) and boasts popular holiday resorts ranging from the Rivendale Spa retreats to some light skiing in the Grey Mountains. Recently it has cut-off international ties, which most foreign offices believe is partly due to the severe internal dissidence of recent years, and has become a recluse to modern politics, refusing to join the European Union or NATO. It is only in the last few weeks that the United States government has become suspicious of the fabled land and, according to US research groups, Middle Earth's aid to Al Queda includes ‘heat-seeking arrows' and ‘land-to-wizard sticks'.
After hearing that news, President Bush gave the go ahead for the strike against the mythical world personally, believing that this was the best course of action. "These people don't have tanks and they don't have ships" he stressed before detailing the military action at the White House press conference. "A full Naval fleet will cut off any supplies transported over the ocean and it will bombard the coasts and nearby fortifications. Meanwhile, the United States Air force will destroy the major strongholds on land before a quarter of a million troops sweep across the country. This, ladies and gentlemen, will be one of the USA's biggest campaigns since World War Iraq. Now, all we have to do is to find the god damn thing".