The Cosmos - (Lunacy): The ultimate in karmic sudden-death penalty shootouts? This weekend's ballbreaker alignment will wreak havoc with all kinds of human ball games, astrologers are warning.
Think 'vasectomy snip minus the anaesthetic' as the eclipsed Capricorn full moon straddles the sky, triggering sudden massive testosterone fluctuations and all kinds of unexpected emissions.
These are being monitored in secret at the RAF Menwith Balls listening station after instruments at a highly controversial MoD crop circle observatory in Warminster went haywire.
"Yeah, ex-Chief of Defence Staff Sir Jock Stirrup's balalaika went ballistic!" an airforce source commented.
"Should have stuck to playing with his vuvuzela."
The intense planetary buildup to the Sun/Mercury v Moon/Pluto opposition is being billed as an ominous prequel to Sunday's England v Germany game.
Hopes are pinned on a replay of the September 2001 game when the Boche were thrashed 5-1 by Britain's finest.
"We see this zodiac alignment as the inevitable conclusion to all the grudge matches agaist the Nazis," Hellfire Club astrologer Prof Einstein Von Flintstone said today.
Online spreadbetting index Aintgottaprayer.con is offering 11/10 odds on the eclipse obliterating Hitler's daughter HM Queen Elizabeth's putrid heart.
Doris Lessing is 101.