London - A conference of the G8-1 leaders yesterday vigorously denied the accusation that Mr. Bush's reported fatal fall down the stairs of the building hosting the G8 conference was not an accident. Mr. Bush has not now been seen since entering the building three days ago, and reporters have had to rely on reports issued by the remaining leaders, who have re-dubbed the group G8-1 and barred any security officers from entering the conference rooms.
Vladimir Putin, President of Russia explained that "in my previous career, I have witnessed many such tragic accidents - none of these was judged by the courts to be anything other than an accident". When asked for his personal views, Mr. Putin admitted that not being referred to as "Pooty-poo" any more "would be a relief".
British Prime Minister Tony Blair, the only one of the leaders to be exhibiting any visible signs of emotion, sobbed that "tough decisions have to be made sometimes." Aides rushed to Mr. Blair's side and quickly administered a sedative, preventing him from elaborating further.
Jacques Chirac, the President of France, exclaimed "Que sera, sera," before being reminded that he was French, following which, he spread his hands in a characteristically French gesture, and explained "C'est la vie - or in this case, la mort".
Gerhard Schroeder, German Chancellor, brushed off reporters' questions with the enigmatic phrase, "in this game, timing is everything, and Vladimir [Putin] is a master of timing - it must be the judo training."
US President-suspect Cheney vowed "vengeance on the evil-doers" and threatened a massive "shock and awe" attack on the Iranian capital of Tehran. The carpet on which Mr. Bush allegedly tripped before falling headfirst down three flights of marble stairs was reported to have been made in Q'om, birthplace of the late Ayatollah Khomeni.
US Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice appears to be heartbroken. State Department officials refused to comment on her tear-streaked face and incoherent sobs at her press conference yesterday.
A stony-faced Laura Bush snapped at reporters, "Don't bother me now. I'm busy packing to get the heck out of this ***** city and away from all of them."
Former President Bush's brother, Governor Jeb Bush of Florida, appeared to be in a state of shock. "Whaddya mean, I'm not President now Dubya's gone? Poppa promised me I'd be next," he exclaimed incredulously while sipping what he referred to as 'iced tea' from the neck of a Jack Daniels bottle.