President Hussein Obama stepped outside military channels to name rabid Osama Bin Laden hunter Gary Faukner to the top post in Afghanistan to continue the fight against terrorism after relieving General Stan McCrystal.
Faulker, a US construction worker from Denver, CO, was detained in Pakistan in late May after being found living in a cave not far from the last reported position
linked to Bin Laden.
Carrying a 9mm pistol, 100 rounds of ammunition, a Japanese Samurai Sword, night vision goggles, a lazer level, a chaulk line a 12 oz. finish hammer, and swathed in a beard to 'blend in', Faukner now says "I was this close to getting the bastard."
He says every night he cooked Kao Moek Gkai, yellow rice with chicken, over an open fire, letting the aroma drift over the parched valley he overlooked from his cave.
"I knew he could smell it...I knew his mouth was watering....If I could have had just another few days I know I could have had him eating out of my hand," said Faukner.
After being detained by Pakistani Intelligence Agents who have no desire to capture Osama, Faukner figured he would be put on a plane going home, and would resume his position in the Union where he was a Head Cauker on the Obama Weatherization Program.
"I was really surprised when I got the call from the White House today to take over for McCrystal," Faulker said. "the president offered me his full support, and even offered to have Joe Biden fly over and give me some pointers.
In addition, he told me to tell Karzai that Senator John Kerry had put through an emergency ear mark and would be sending over a flotilla of Swift Boats to finally get Afghanistan a Navy...but I think I'd rather be a general than an admiral...you know what they say about those navy guys...buggers all!"
Shortly after the announcement was made, Obama appeared on all major news channels announcing that he had the Afghan situation 'well in hand, with the right man for the job...Gary Faulkner...our man in the mountains!"
Obama announced that the appointment enabled him to pull out all US troops 13 months earlier than he had mandated giving a needed boost to troop morale, and cutting expenses which could now be better used for Social Welfare Programs, paying equal wages to illegal aliens, and funding a law suit against Arizona, Florida, Louisiana, and Mississippi, all states tired of waiting for Federal leadership that had proceeded to fight the massive BP oil spill on their own.
Insiders close to President Karzai said they had already hired the now retired
McCrystal as a "military advisor, and as a negotiator to handle our mining interests as we entertain offers from countries around the world. He will also be our ambassador to the US since 'he already speaks our language."
Asked if he had any words for President Obama and VP Biden after the sacking of McCrystal, Karzai smiled and said, 'tell them this from me, "BITE ME!"