TEHRAN, Iran - Senior Al Qaeda Leader Abu Musab al-Zarqaui has stated that he has the knowledge, the resources, the manpower, and the equipment to stop the oil that is spilling out into the Gulf of Mexico.
Al-Zarqaui said that the reason that he is willing to help the United States is because he does not want to see the United States possibly going to war with Great Britain over this tar ball mess.
The Al Qaeda leader reportedly told CBS's Katie Couric that the two English speaking countries are like brothers and/or sisters and he does not want to see brothers and/or sisters fighting.
He went on to say that a highly reliable White House source has informed him that they would like to hire his services but that it would have to be under another name, because when people hear Al Qaeda they just naturally assume the worst.
The vice-president said that the president emailed him and wrote, "Joey, I want ya ta get your vice-presidential ass on dis matter now, and I do mean pronto bro (fast bro).
A reliable, but unnamed White House source who has since been identified as White House maid Novela Largatos, said that she overheard the president telling his wife Michelle, "Ya know Michy, people think that I ain't be doin' enough ta stop dat damn friggin oil leak down there in Loosana. But da damn troof of da matter be dat tryin' ta stop dat oil from coming outta da freakin' pipe is like tryin' ta stop Kirstie Alley from downin' dem Twinkies like they be's M&M's or sumtin."
The First Mama nodded her head approvingly and replied, "Hey Barry hon, I hear ya and you be preachin' to da choir on dis sitchayshun."
"Thank ya first mama. I knews dat youse for one would gets it."
SIDENOTE: Al-Zarqaui was asked how much he would charge to fix the oil leak. He replied that he would be willing to do it for $65,000 in cash, plus meals, lodging, souvenirs, and two 2010 BMW's.