Vatican City-- Pope Benedict XVI has just issued a Papal Bull about the sacrament of Matrimony. Calling marriage "a union of two sick souls, united in animal lust", the Pope ordered all Roman Catholic Churches to immediately stop performing wedding ceremonies.
"Marriage is for the weak of heart and the weak of soul. Marriage unites men and women in unholy lust, and sends them both on the road to Hell." said the pontiff.
The Roman Catholic Church will now consider any type of sexual activity to be sinful, including procreation.
"Our Lord has shown Mankind how to conceive children without any kind of sexual lust, this is how it should be. Babies should come from test-tubes now, not wombs. There is no reason for anyone to have sex with anyone else--ever. It is sinful. It is evil. It is disgusting." he stated gloomily.
The sunken-eyed pontiff had many suggestions for any of the laity feeling lustful thoughts.
"Read a good book. Take a cold shower--but with your clothes on. Help the needy, and study the Bible. And send money to the Church."