Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 16 June 2010

image for Transvestite Hooker Nuns Exposed
Sister Ed(na), Sister Bernie(dette) and Sister Pat, Trolling for Johns

While Catholic leadership struggles to cling to what might be left of their tepid public image, a new scandal involving the recruitment and indoctrination of transvestite prostitutes into the Sisterhood has shocked the entire world, except San Francisco.

Spoof investigative reporters in Italy and here in the U.S. broke the story yesterday with film evidence of Nuns engaged in street walking activities. What appeared to be religious good will and public consultation across city parks and pathways, was merely a cover for private session bookings back at the convent.

"The scheduling was all verbal, and cash exchanged hands behind closed doors", says Spoof journalist, Victor Nicholas. "Without a paper trail or even a hint of impropriety, these nuns flew well under the radar for years". Former priest and co-author of the initial news report, Salvatore Lynton adds, "We needed to pose as customers to really break the story, and aside from Sister Bernadette sounding a lot like Yul Brynner, it was a pleasant experience".

More disturbing than knowing that transvestites are active in the church posing as Nuns, is that the Catholic leadership condones the practice. One priest who preferred to remain nameless, though parishioners know him as Father Fergus McCarthy, had commented off the record, "They provide a valuable service to priests inside the rectory as well, cutting back on priestly urges they might have with young boys. Though our Nuns' worldly needs are met here in the parish, we've also agreed to let them go out and make a buck on the side". McCarthy added, "Rectory. Interesting correlation".

Sister Edna (Ed) Williams of the Long Beach, California convent says, "We are just working girls trying to do something, or someone positive in this world. Priests are sort of freaky, but at least they're trying to do good work. The food here is great, I got my girlfriends all around me, and we still make a little tax free cash when we need it. Life is good right now for transvestite Nuns."

When questioned about the need for an income when every basic need is covered by the church, Sister Edna replied, "It takes hard work", she snickered a bit after saying 'hard', "and money to keep waxed and strapped down seven days a week. Well, its six days actually. On the seventh day we hang freely under the habit as God intended. Some of our priests like to fondle the junk, but we only allow that handball activity after mass on Sundays".

While the Italian Nuns are typically thinner and more petite than their counterparts in the U.S., our reporters found them quite strangely, to share a common quality. Cub reporter Ira Skoobinski says, "They all sound like Bea Arthur, or Brad Garrett or James Earl Jones. It's creepy actually." Producer Morse Morsely who posed as a customer on the street says, "The prices are reasonable though, especially if you've always had a fantasy about doing a Nun. You would be amazed at what they can do with rosary beads."

Following a pattern of restrained action or comments from Rome, there is still no word as to how the reports of the Nun Trannies will be dealt with. Insiders at the Vatican think that much like internal investigations into reports of other improprieties; the Transvestite Hooker Nun story will simply be buried, though "under investigation" for years to come. Sister Edna, who also has friends stationed in Rome commented, "They know a good thing when they've got it, and we're just the girls to give it to them. Actually they would most likely be pitching, but you know what I mean." Sister Edna winked, scratched her nether regions, and then ended our interview.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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