Special to INS - The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has released the results of a study that sees worldwide obesity as key to reducing carbon emissions and halting climate change. Spokesman Offenscus Contradiscu said that ". . . the amount of carbon that the world population could capture by each adult putting on, say, 100 pounds is tremendous. Of that, 18 pounds is carbon. Multiply that by an adult population of 4 billion and, presto, 72-billion pounds, or 36-million tons, captured."
Bernhard Snufsdenhendsenson, a reporter from Norway, pointed out that this would amount to only a tiny fraction of carbon emitted by motor vehicles, buildings, and industry each year. This resulted in a heated exchange between Snufsdenhendsenson and Contradiscu, which ended when Contradiscu sat his 350-pound bulk on Snufsdenhendsenson and screamed, "Magre er ikke bety!" ("Lean is not mean!").
A flushed Contradiscu later suggested that the proposed weight gains might have to be ratcheted up and could be extended to children. Snufsdenhendsenson countered by saying, "The negative effects from this undertaking would be significant: Airline seat widths would have to be increased, reducing passenger capacity. Walmart would have to buy larger shopping baskets and establish a one-way policy for its aisles. And where would the additional Twinkies come from?"
Monsanto, whose genetically modified seed corn has a virtual monopoly on corn production, was elated. "This is a great opportunity," said Monsanto's CEO. "Our biggest customers, farmers who grow for Archer Daniels Midland [ADM], have our phones ringing off the hook, saying that soda bottlers like Coke and bakers like Entenmann's are clamoring for more high-fructose corn syrup to satisfy demand. And look at the impact on manufacturers of diabetes drugs. Eli Lilly is up 8 percent on the IPCC recommendation."