Written by Noddy Bigears
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Death, Cars

Friday, 18 March 2005

image for Fatal Car Switch Led to Diana Death - 3 Hour Journey After Tunnel Was Just Too Boring
Lady Diana Was Driven Recklessly At Excessive Speed By The French Emergency Services To Her Final Destination

Diana, Princess of Wales, had to switch cars after a crash at Pont d'Alma tunnel in the French capital in Paris in August 1997 when driven by chauffeur Henri Paul. Unfortunately, there was only a state of the art ultra high speed French Paris ambulance available within 30 seconds accompanied by most of the Paris police force and their respective vehicles to transport Diana to her final destination where she was expected by the Paparazzi and the French authorities to join her lover Dodi Al Fayed for eternity, the Pitie Salpetriere hospital.

Driver, chauffeur Henri Paul was really stressed out and desperately unhappy having crashed and dented his brand new Mercedes but fortunately, another Paris ambulance crew was also instantly on hand to provide huge volumes of laughing gas (carbon monoxide), massive doses of anti-depressants and a couple of extra large bottles of the famous French, pick-me-up, Cognac which put him to bed happily ever after.

London's Metropolitan Police investigating team are currently using state of the art computer technology to find out all the information and details that have been washed away, thrown away, stolen, forgotten, contaminated, lost, hidden and misplaced by the British and French authorities since the event 8 years ago. The photographs and measurements of the road from the Pont d'Alma to the Pitie Salpetriere hospital where Diana's death by boredom was confirmed are being created with special laser equipment and will be used to create a 3-D computer model of the most boring scenic route in Paris, using the new virtual reality technology which was not available in 1997. Detective David Douglas, chief superintendent of Scotland Yard, said "the team hoped to learn exactly what was so boring about the route with the best equipment available now and it was tragic that they had not been able to take a more exciting scenic route."

The 3 km deserted route from Pont d'Alma Tunnel to the Pitie Salpetriere hospital can be normally completed by a state of the art ultra high speed French ambulance in about 4 hours but the emergency team must have really put their foot to the floor as they achieved a record of just a couple of seconds under 3 hours as the French police had raced ahead clearing every junction of the totally empty and deserted route. In order to understand this scorching velocity, the Spoof technical teams have prepared the following comparison table in kilometers per hour:

French snail...........................0.001
Small grasshopper................0.01
Headless chicken..................0.1

French Paris ambulance........1

Average walking speed........6.4
Bicycle.................................24
Small motor bike...............100
Standard ambulance.........186
Powerful car......................220
Formula 1 car....................300
Commercial jet................1000

As can be seen from the above table every possible effort and detour had been undertaken to make sure that Diana would make her final destination on time with Dodi. Indeed, the British Foreign Office report released at the time states "Despite all the traffic lights being red, it is impossible to believe that they could or wanted to have gone any faster."

The Cabinet Office has provided exact and precise details of what happened under the new Freedom of Information Act which allows politicians to select only their version of events whilst incinerating useless documents and the most recently leaked free memo confirms this, quote " Lets send London police commissioner John Stevens to Paris to retrace Diana's final moments to determine if she might have been the victim of a boring criminal conspiracy and then release a 24,326 page summary of the inquiry which discusses everything apart from the actual details of the ambulance journey and for God's sake get him to find out who gave that Mohammed al Fayed a British Passport."

Make Noddy Bigears's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 4 multiplied by 2?

3 7 10 8

Go to top