Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 14 June 2010

image for The World's Noise Experts Claim That The Sound of The World Cup Vuvuzela Is Worse Than Water Boarding
Noise experts state that the sound of one vuvusela is equivalent to the sound made from 900 bees like the one pictured.

TOKYO - Dr. Choofi Hirocheeto, one of the world's foremost experts on noise, has commented in several publications including the highly prestigious Hey What The Hell Was That Noise Illustrated Monthly, that the sound of the African trumpets known as vuvuzelas is the most annoying sound on the face of the earth.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: And that includes the voices of Fran Drescher, Ann Coulter, and Gilbert Gottfried.]

Dr. Hirocheeto went on to say that recent world-wide research studies have concluded that exposure to the incessant buzzing sound of this piece of shit musical instrument for more than 12 minutes could result in the person or persons suffering traumatic damage to their memory mechanism, their olfactory sensors, their sense of smell devices, and in the case of women, their labia minora and labia majora as well.

Dr. Hirocheeto said that his ex-receptionist, Millie Yamachinga, 28, had to resign her position because of her vuvusela exposure since she was in charge of listening to a lot of the videos that were made at the various South African functions where the vuvuselas were played.

Some of these functions included weddings, birthdays, lion barbecues, and quinceaneras. Sadly, Miss Yamachinga found out that due to her exposure to the buzzing bee sound of the vuvuselas she became sterile and cannot have anymore children.

Mrs. Yamachinga did say that luckily for her, she already has 14 kids so it's not too bad of a thing except that it is just the idea of knowing that she cannot have anymore kids even if she wanted to.

Her husband, Bobby Yamachinga said that he has secured the services of an attorney who deals with cases involving female employees who have become sterilized while working in offices where the sounds of vuvuselas was present.

Dr. Yankton P. Stooprust, an associate and colleague of Dr. Hirocheeto, added that he has focused on the dreaded water boarding torture methods and he has concluded that being subjected to the constant hissing sounds of the vuvuselas, that sound like millions of angry mosquitoes, is eight and even nine times worse than water boarding torture.

Dr. Stooprust, wrote a book on the subject entitled, Everyone Who Plays A Vuvusela Can Get In Line And Kiss My Irish-American Ass.

He pointed out that babies who are born to mothers who were subjected to the sound of the vuvusela in the seventh, eighth, or ninth month have a tendency of being born with no discernible sense of pitch.

He noted that over 90 percent grow up speaking in a highly voluminous tone that could even drown out post wrestling match interviews.

Dr. Stooprust stated that two of South Africa's neighboring countries Mozambique and Botswana have made it a felony to even possess a vuvusela.

He went on to say that anyone caught playing a vuvusela in public will be arrested, tried, found guilty, and incarcerated for up to 25 years, with no chance of parole.

And speaking of bees. Louisiana stand up comedian Zydeco Dupree appeared on The Ellen DeGeneres Show and asked her if she knew where bees first originated. Ellen replied that she did not know. Dupree grinned and said - Stingapore.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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