Written by anthonyrosania
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Topics: Death, Jesus, Saint

Sunday, 13 June 2010

image for Scientists Learn Why 13th Century Saint Rose of Viterbo is Dead!
Jesus, brought to you by the Center To Make Christ Look Caucasian, Even Though He Clearly Could Not Have Been.

Legend has it that 13th-century cool chick Rose of Viterbo stood for hours on a raging pyre without being burned, which is one kick-ass party trick, and could see into the future. What was not known was why this fun-at-parties momma is dead.

Rose was born in Viterboro, Italy in 1235. Her two year mission was capped off on December 5th, 1250, when Rose allegedly foretold the speedy death of the emperor. 8 days later, the Emperor was toast.

Even cooler, Rose moved to Vitorchiano, Italy, which was allegedly under the influence of a sorceress. Future Saint Rose tricked... er, converted all inhabitants into Christianity by standing unscathed for three hours in the flames of a burning pyre.

(Because standing in a pit of flames for three hours certainly doesn't seem like sorcery.)

So, this vague, not widely held curiosity about her death was more than enough reason to dig up the earthly remains of a Saint, and poke at her bones.

And now, seven centuries after her birth, a team of Italian scientists led by Dr. Francesco Rinaldi has succeeded in pinpointing the likely cause of death.

"We have determined that she is dead because, had she lived, she'd be 765 years old, for f-ck's sake. Who could possibly live for 765 years, other than Kim Cattrall?"

Just before the end of Rinaldi's press conference, which was followed by a spaghetti buffet with a delicious sauce, the scientist added, "Oh, yeah. She had an embolism that caused a blockage in her heart.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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