A worldwide network of illicit distribution of counterfeit ramen noodle products continues to elude the grasp of the finest minds in police investigation. Based upon traditional Asian noodle soups made from basic food ingredients, these desiccated, adulterated imitations have infiltrated supermarkets and convenience stores throughout the world, finding a ready market particularly among American college students.
"Our highest intelligence suggests that the smugglers are operating out of a base located in rural Mesopotamia," said Inspector Jacques Cluedo of Quebec, Canada. "At a point as yet unknown, eh, where East meets West in the Cradle of Civilization, lies the central clearinghouse of contraband comestibles."
"I use comestibles in the loosest sense of the term, eh," added Inspector Cluedo. "Anyone who has had the misfortune to purchase and consume these nefarious noodles should know that they are anything but nourishing, genuine food."
Asked why, then, the noodles have proven to be so popular, Inspector Cluedo shot back, "Because they're addictive, eh!"
Inspector Cluedo went on to list an impressive list of chemical compounds commonly found in the "flavor packets" of pseudo ramen noodles: monosodium glutamate, disodium guanylate, autolyzed yeast extract, hydrolyzed corn protein, hydrolyzed soy protein, hydrolyzed wheat protein, and sugar.
"Most insidious of all, eh," said Inspector Cluedo, "are what they label 'Oriental' flavor noodles. What sick, twisted bastard would flavor a soup with the bodies of innocent Orientals?"
Slippery smugglers from the international ring were last seen on the streets of Comida Buena, California, disguised in the political street theater garb of the Eco-Franciscan Sisters of the Good Earth.
Anyone with information that may possibly lead to the capture of the smugglers is urged to call the Smackdown Ramen Ring hotline at 666-555-7734.