Written by Lance.D.Boyle
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Topics: Hollywood, Australia

Friday, 11 March 2005

image for 'Russell Crowe vs Hollywood and the Jihads'
Wheres-ya bins Latlee's bad dream

COFFS HARBOUR, AUSTRALIA -- Aussie actor and star of numerous Hollywood hits Russell Crowe, was kidnapped by a group of al-queada assassins in early 2004.
‘Russ' who has the reputation of being a ‘bad boy' around the traps, was held hostage for a week, in an unknown location somewhere near Tikrit in Iraq.

Crowe, looking fine and healthy, wearing a blue flannelette shirt and track pants with ‘ugg' boots when released, shunned the incident off as being part of life in the way any laconic Aussie would.

Claiming his captors first wanted photographs, then autographs did make him uncomfortable, though head butting two of them ,and telling the rest to ‘f****off' they generally took the hint.
After consuming all the alcohol that could be found ‘Russ' then threw up all over their bomb making equipment, thereby setting them back weeks in their plans.

Crowe stated that the Friday night of his release he had been playing the guitar and singing to his captors, and generally everything was fine, whereby the assassins left him to simply walk away, two hours later he was picked up by a passing Australian patrol.

However a spokesperson for the al-queada splinter group called ‘Hollywood and the Jihads' has come forward and stated that this is not true. Wheres-ya bin Latlee is attempting to sue Crowe for mental anguish, claiming he is depressed and unable to do his job and that he is unable to have a stable relationship. Also he claims to have dreams of men dressed in sandals and leather skirts wielding swords all with Crowe's face.

According to Wheres-ya bin Latlee, the week before the night Crowe made his getaway, was a living hell, the group put up with unbearable torture before finally cracking. Eighty-six hours of Crowe singing and reciting poetry, then reciting dialogue from ‘Gladiator' was more than the terrorists had bargained for. Two of the terrorists instructed to guard Crowe on the night of his escape, begged for a suicide mission, the rest ran from the building screaming, cupping their hands over their ears and ranting of ‘unbearable torture and abuse', begging U.S. soldiers to take them to Abu Ghraib prison.

The United Nations is investigating the abuse allegations, and taking them seriously, at this point Crowe has offered to be fully compliant, but wants to direct unless his role is made larger.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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