Written by Morse
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Tuesday, 8 June 2010

image for Amanda Knox to Joran van der Sloot: "Sorry, Dude, You're F***d!"
Amanda Sends Joran a Peruvian Note: Kisses His Ass Goodbye!

Convicted Sex Slasher Amanda Knox doing soft time in Italy under the watchful eye of her mentor Silvio Berlusconi, sent a twitter of condolence to Serial Sociopath Joran van der Sloot upon hearing he had confessed to another murder and might be jailed till 'hell freezes over +10" in Peru.

Knox, the Seattle student who stressed out over an upcoming Humanities Exam while attending school in Italy and was convicted of indulging in a ritualistic sex killing of her room mate, has been having it relatively easy in her Italian jail.

Being able to order off a menu from a Trattoria, having her pick of decent Italian Wine, and working in the bakery where she bakes her own bread, the convicted murderous vixen with the fetching smile and devilish eyes, is also permitted 7 conjugal visits a week when Silvio is out of town, but only 3 when he's home and feeling feisty.

Joran, on the other hand is said to be in for a rough time. Since no one has ever emerged alive from a Peruvian jail, reports gathered from relatives of he deceased paint a bleak picture. According to sources, prisoners are expected to cultivate their own 'green garden' in their cells, and any protein they get depends how dexterous and quick they are setting snare traps for the rats, and cultivating snails.

Conjugal visits are permitted in Peru, but again according to sources, those privileges are only granted to the guards who have their favorites amongst the prisoners. Choice is based on Seniority and their standing in the Union, with Shop Stewards getting first pick of new prisoners...especially cute foreigners with an attitude and tight cheeks.

Reporters who were allowed to watch van der Sloot get processed in witnessed him being fingerprinted, cavity searched multiple times, and then issued regular prison kit including green pajamas, flip flops, a tube of KY jelly, a dental dam, and a 30 year supply of goat skin condoms left over from the reign of the Incas.

Witnesses say Joran appeared teary eyed and limping, and complained in a whiny voice that he shouldn't be held here with the World Cup starting this week since he already had all his tickets to South Africa and had 'bet a bundle' that the UK would fall to the US this weekend by a 1-0 score after a 6 hour marathon match resolved during a shoot out.

Said one rough guard, a 15 year veteran of the prison, "If the US beats the UK I'll even suck YOUR dick!" which caused Joran to go into further hysterics.

Joran was last seen shuffling down the hall trying desperately trying to shift his bullet proof vest over his ass, with little effect.

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