The World's longest hair has been discovered by a good Samaritan who bought a 23 pound German chocolate cake from a group of Pentecostal ladies hosting a bake sale in front of a local department store.
The 17 foot long red hair was discovered by Joe Cook, local do-gooder and bleeding heart, after he purchased the cake sitting in a nest of cellophane covered cookies and pies withering in a heat index of 104 degrees outside the Mega-mart.
"When I first noticed the cake I thought I was looking at the crown jewel of all baked goods," explained Cook. "It was unbelievable. Coconut and chipped pecans mixed with butter and vanilla glistened in the mid-morning sun. I could see the chocolate cake peeking out from under the drapery of elegant frosting and the cellophane covering gave the half-melted magnum opus a sense of otherworldly beauty.
"A scrap of paper attached to the top with a straight pin stuck into the cake said 14- but had a mark through it and a new price of 11- was posted.
"It talked to me. It said, Joe, take me. Since I had just bought a quart of milk and had the exact amount of loose change, I paid for it, joked around with the ladies a few seconds, then brought the car around to pick it up because of its immense weight.
"Even though I put the seat belt around it to keep it from going through the windshield, I still threw my arm in front of it every time I put on the brakes. Little did I know I should have bought a jug of shampoo instead of milk to eat it with because when I got home and bit into the first piece, I spent the next five minutes pulling an enormous red hair out of my gullet.
"I was so freaked I threw the rest of the cake out in the front yard and the neighborhood cats won't even touch it-they apparently know a giant hair ball when they see one."
When asked by Tawdry Soup if he would ever buy another cake from a bake sale, Joe shuddered and responded with a simple, "not no, but hell no. But on the bright side, I've saved plenty on dental floss and still got some of that damn hair left." He waived his hand toward a table where there sat at least half of the chestnut chundermaker twirled around an old spool.